It’s all gone to shit

Thursday the 31st May 2018 It's been a right odd day to be honest. I'd planned to try and get myself out for an hour this morning having stayed in yesterday but it's not quite worked out like that.... never does does it? I'm SURE someone somewhere hears what I'm planning, snorts and says "aye … Continue reading It’s all gone to shit

Own goals, old friends and a bit of self pity

Wednesday the 30th of May 2018 It's happening more and more isn't it? Me, missing a day of writing... eeesht, I'm treating this hobby like a holiday camp, swinging in and out when I feel like it. When the going got tough, well, I fucked off didn't I? Sorry, or you're welcome, whichever fits best … Continue reading Own goals, old friends and a bit of self pity

Pansies, Best friends and more sitting down

Monday the 28th of May 2018 It's happened. I've become middle aged. I mean, I've known it was coming for a while what with my growing adoration for elasticated clothing and comfy footwear but I thought it would be a slow and graceful evolution rather than what turned out to be a very disappointing wet … Continue reading Pansies, Best friends and more sitting down

A day of rest, family and abortion rights

Sunday the 27th of May 2018 I tell you what, I'll do well if I manage to get to my normal few thousand words today because I've done literally fuck alllll day. Not because of any overly dramatic reason to be fair, I mean I'm shit but I'm not at deaths door, it's just the … Continue reading A day of rest, family and abortion rights

Joggists, tantrums and a weird bruise….

Saturday the 26th of May 2018 Private Mellars reporting for duty.... aaaaaaaateeeeeeeeenshunnnnnnnnnnnnn etc. etc. Firstly, sorry for missing last night. No, no, relaaaaaax, we weren't meant to be meeting at that seedy bar again, I mean for not writing. Those that follow the Facebook page clearly had an explanation (also sad face pics) but I … Continue reading Joggists, tantrums and a weird bruise….

“Hunters”, hairdressers and… no hope (not even Bob Hope).

Thursday the 24th May 2018 This is going to be an weird write up I think because I've just been watching something that's made me feel a bit uncomfortable on Facebook and I'll not be able to get past it until I mentally file it; i.e. write about it. So sorry in advance.... It was … Continue reading “Hunters”, hairdressers and… no hope (not even Bob Hope).

Magic, scones and grey fucking hairs

Wednesday the 23rd of May 2018 I'm just going to put it out there; this Yanny/Laurel thing? Bag of shite. I keep seeing it plastered all over Facebook, but I just don't get it. Why is it creating a stir? I can literally tell Christiaan something one day and he'll swear I said something different; … Continue reading Magic, scones and grey fucking hairs

Independence, haircuts and WHERE THE FUCK IS THE SUNSHINE?

Tuesday the 22nd of May 2018 I'm going to start by having a marvellously British moment in a Scottish kind of way. Ready? What the fuck is going on with the bastard weather? Why is it baltic out there? Not even the fleecy blanket could keep the minus 85394853948563498563498564 wind off me and allow me … Continue reading Independence, haircuts and WHERE THE FUCK IS THE SUNSHINE?

Losing control, not giving in and pissed off chairs

Monday the 21st of May 2018 Right then, here we are again at the beginning of another week and yet again I'm sitting down to write about fuck knows what for fuck knows how long. I wish I could tell you I have an agenda mapped out for content, but I don't and to be … Continue reading Losing control, not giving in and pissed off chairs

Down with French Fancies….. and wasps

Friday the 18th of May 2018 Guess where I am? No, not B & Q.... the other place, with the sunshine and shit. No, not Tenerife, colder than that. Yes, you've got it... Le jardin. Sounds like I've been somewhere different, somewhere more exotic and less boring if you say it in French, which is … Continue reading Down with French Fancies….. and wasps

Club Tropicana, Cheetara and terrorism… apparently

Thursday the 17th of May 2018 Apparently it's only 10 degree's out here today,  but I'm calling bullshit on that because.... CLUB TROPICANA DRINKS ARE FREEEEEE (R.I.P George)....I HAVE TAKEN MY JUMPER OFF!  Oh for fucks sake Don't panic, I still have vest thing and my knocker shelf on - the boys are very much … Continue reading Club Tropicana, Cheetara and terrorism… apparently

Dance off dreams, Weddings and loads of rants

Wednesday the 16th of May 2018 I've started to write this three times already today and had to delete every draft because it was all over the place so I'll warn you now; tonight's blog is as fluid as a Kim Jog-un versus Donald Trump dance off. Which to be fair, I'd pay to see.... … Continue reading Dance off dreams, Weddings and loads of rants

Flaccid pizza, burny bits and Argos

Monday the 14th of May 2018 Well as far as Monday's go, it's not been too shabby. Eli reverted back to normal form and woke up at about five much to everyone's delight but he was at least able to tick over on his own till about half past, which was the same time Bear … Continue reading Flaccid pizza, burny bits and Argos

Fresh bedding, garden arseholery and a bumbling furry idiot

Saturday the 12th of May 2018 -  official ME/CFS Awareness day hooray Right then, it 6.32pm and this is the first time I've picked up the laptop to write allllll day. Which means two things; A - this blog will be shorter than normal, it normally takes me all day to write it because I … Continue reading Fresh bedding, garden arseholery and a bumbling furry idiot

Sad times, shite and happy pansies

Friday the 11th of May 2018 Ahhh so you came back then? Again? Good for you - sit down and get comfy. I'm surprised you came back but well done, you've made it to day 5 of M.E. Awareness week and we're almost at the orgasm point; the peak. Tomorrow the Millions Missing campaign becomes … Continue reading Sad times, shite and happy pansies

Blue hair don’t care and more flaccid knobs

Wednesday the 10th of May 2018 Right then day four of M.E. Awareness week - boom we're over half way through! If you're a normalton who has no need to be reading anything to do with M.E Awareness I salute you (very slowly and with less vigour than I should for obvious reasons) for coming … Continue reading Blue hair don’t care and more flaccid knobs

Road rage, nap dodging and a stubborn climate

Tuesday the 8th of May Welcome to the second day of M.E. awareness week. NO NO HOLD ON, COME BACK, I PROMISE IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT THAT - you know I write about other stuff too but this is a wee bit important and I'd be a right tit if I had the size of … Continue reading Road rage, nap dodging and a stubborn climate

Reflection, scones and fat fighting fails

Monday the 7th of May - BANK HOLIDAY HOOORAYYYYYY Yesterday was really good for me you know, it made me feel all fuzzy in the emotion box. I did nothing out of the ordinary, it was what most people would call a relaxed easy day, but it lifted me more than I think I can … Continue reading Reflection, scones and fat fighting fails

SunDay, paddling and girly boys

Saturday 6th of May 2018 What an utterly, utterly smashin day.... and actually the remainder of last night was great too. I guess I should start there first because it's kind of like the foreplay that lead up to today I think. After all Eli's carry on yesterday lunch time about needing a muzzy to … Continue reading SunDay, paddling and girly boys

Spammer extraordinaire, brioche and bank holidays

Saturday the 5th of May Yet again I've sat down knowing I want to write but I've no idea what it's going to contain,  I mean obviously it would be a shite diary if it didn't outline my day, that's a given, but, well I don't really do owt at the minute so, it's dull.... … Continue reading Spammer extraordinaire, brioche and bank holidays

May the 4th, Bigfoot and a nice sit down

Friday the 4th of May 2018 First things first - May the 4th be with you. Secondly, I say that because I want to be inclusive and embrace any potential geeky sci-fi type behaviours that may be lurking in our community. Don't worry it's very natural to enjoy, or even believe in fiction. Not natural … Continue reading May the 4th, Bigfoot and a nice sit down

Shopping, awkward conversation and murder

Wednesday the 3rd of May 2018 Where in the name of the wee man has all the sunshine gone? I mean seriously - has the universe not got the memo about summer being just round the corner? It's really fucking cold out there. How do I know it's cold? I stay indoors all the time … Continue reading Shopping, awkward conversation and murder

Gro Fuck Yourself Clock, garden sofas and a reality check

4.45am. That's what time bollockchops starting crying this morning. I'm clinging on to the fact that these back molars are cutting and that's why we're up even earlier than normal most mornings. Teething is a fucking nonsense - mother nature should have sorted this shit out a long time ago, if teeth are essential make … Continue reading Gro Fuck Yourself Clock, garden sofas and a reality check

Less lard, solo parenting and soft play

Ahhhhhhhhhh Monday you big pile of shite; I had accepted you'd be coming but I can't say I was chuffed to see you. You'd think not having to work a Monday, and being off sick anyway that I'd be more ambivalent toward the start of the week but I've a deep rooted hatred of it. … Continue reading Less lard, solo parenting and soft play

Gull spew, signs and sleep

Given yesterdays cataclysmic failing to be anything more than a big whiney fucking arsehole I was determined today would be better. If you're sat there holding your breath wondering if I'm going to start wailing and nashing in martyrdom; I'm not and it was definitely not as shit as yesterday. There you can relax now, … Continue reading Gull spew, signs and sleep

Black pants, brioche rolls and sadness

Do you know, I often sit down to write this and think I've got nothing really to say, but then I get started and I get a few thousand words jotted down and it reminds me; I'm a gobby cow. Today might be a struggle though, because, Mystic Meg has fuck all on me, literally … Continue reading Black pants, brioche rolls and sadness

I’m a bell end, I really am

You'll be pleased to hear that fame hasn't changed me overnight. I mean, sure, I woke up, full of anticipation and lay in bed waiting for a servant to come and open my curtains, but it looks like they're either a lazy bastard or have the day off. Fine, I'll open my own fucking curtains. … Continue reading I’m a bell end, I really am

FaM.E. Erotic feedback and cock and balls galore

It's a right dramatic looking day here today - you know how some days just look like THAT kind of nutter that ALWAYS chooses to sit next to you when you're out? That's the kind of day we're having. It's been sunny as fuck, windy as fuck, rainy as fuck and now it's cloudy as … Continue reading FaM.E. Erotic feedback and cock and balls galore

Plumbing, Resting and a Royal rant

Right then Wednesday... I am delighted to announce that ceiling vag is no longer dripping ; she has now had her leak fixed. She has been dry for approximately 4 hours which means Christiaan can stop panicking that the house is going to fall in, and I can stand in the kitchen without the dripping noise … Continue reading Plumbing, Resting and a Royal rant

Bald toast, battered gnomes and the supernatural

*FANFARE* Eli slept past 5am, which means Christiaan and I slept past 5am too hooray!!!! We were treated to a luxurious 6.38am wake up, the first in weeks! It should have been good news, but I knew the night hadn't gone too smoothly; Eli hadn't been at all settled. I knew he was awake because … Continue reading Bald toast, battered gnomes and the supernatural

Twinnies, tantrums and Mondays

Boom! Monday's almost done - I've survived! Hooo-fucking-ray! I've got to be honest, the day didn't get off to a promising start because Eli was being a massive pain in the arse but it's been alright really. I've not set the world alight by discovering a cure for tiny penis syndrome or helped a granny … Continue reading Twinnies, tantrums and Mondays

Cocky to the core, cyclists and long lies

I tell you what, I'm cocky to the core sometimes! I woke up this morning and despite going to bed feeling like utter shite, I felt surprisingly normal. Well my version of normal, not yours, i.e. I didn't feel like I'd been unstrapped in the back of an ambulance during a 90mph 5 hour mountain … Continue reading Cocky to the core, cyclists and long lies

Happy Friday, Janette Krankie and early starts

So lets start with the positives, because the sun is shining, the birds are shagging (true story, there are two pigeons going at on the roof over the road),it's payday and most importantly it's Friday which means I have 2 days of having both my husband and my boy around me to look forward to. … Continue reading Happy Friday, Janette Krankie and early starts

Sunshine, dull times and D.I.Don’t

The memo has gone out. The sun arrived this morning and approximately 47 seconds later the entire street emerged from their homes and began either washing their car or cutting the grass. It's a phenomenon that's normally only witnessed at weekends in most streets but, we're lucky,  we live amongst pensioners who have no need … Continue reading Sunshine, dull times and D.I.Don’t