Where have you been? I’ve been waiting!

Thursday the 27th of September 2018 Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd just like that I'm back in the room. Like a bad fart at a party eh? can't keep me away from the action forever! So, it's been a while aint it? How you doing? Got rid of that itchy snatch yet? Our Keith dumped Debbie? No? Needs to … Continue reading Where have you been? I’ve been waiting!

It’s alright – I’m not dead. Honest.

9th September 2018 Right then, been a while aint it? My social media platforms have been like graveyards and I can hear the wails of desperation from you all as you contemplate life without Mellars (LWM for short). It's alright though. I'm here.  I can confirm that contrary to what you've been imagining I did … Continue reading It’s alright – I’m not dead. Honest.

All of the everything that’s happened.

Wednesday the 29th of August 2018 This time next week I'll be WORKING. Actual work, with real people and problems, and shouty bits and laughy bits and EVERYTHING. I'll be sat in my office, (which is now all sorted in terms of dark curtains by the way) and I'll be logged onto the network and I'll … Continue reading All of the everything that’s happened.

Happy 100th Date Gorgeouschops ❤️😘

Wednesday the 22nd of August 2018 Well this isn't how I planned this post. I've been thinking about it for AGES and I know it should be special; like Richard Gere in Pretty Woman (but not with a gerbil up his arse... and I'm not calling you a hooker either... fucks sake). I wanted to … Continue reading Happy 100th Date Gorgeouschops ❤️😘

It’s all about meeee (not M.E.)

So I've gone a bit off piste today. I KNOW! The danger! You all know by now that I'm trying to write my blog piece all in one go as a kind of homework in preparation for going back to work right? What do you mean no? I've been banging on about it for weeks. Fucks sake - go back and catch up! ANYWAY, I decided this morning that I'd use that time, not to write a general blog post but to do something that I've been meaning to for ages.... write the About Me bit on the website.

Cutlery Obsession, Trains and OUT OUT

Thursday 9th August 2018 Hnnnnnnnnnnnhghhhhhh...Fuuuuuuck. Oh! It's working! Hooray!!!!!! Hello world, this is brain. Brain, this is what it feels like to function. HELLO EVERYONE. So, it's been over a week since I wrote to you all and that's becoming more and more of a "thing" now - which is depressing. When I first started … Continue reading Cutlery Obsession, Trains and OUT OUT

New month, new dreams…. or new bullshit? ❤️🤞💩🤥

Wednesday 1st of August 2018 The 1st of August.... How has that happened? I vividly remember writing on the 1st of May and then the 1st of June about how I was going to make them "my month" - what a crock of shit that turned out to be. Karma clearly heard me, laughed and … Continue reading New month, new dreams…. or new bullshit? ❤️🤞💩🤥

Butterfly meltdowns, new friends and insomnia ❤️

Sunday 29th July 2018 Fucking raining innit? Now I know some of you will be rejoicing; out there with your saggy knockers swinging back and forward between your toes, and others will be cursing the lack of sun but well, I've got mixed views on it all if I'm honest. My inner pensioner is delighted … Continue reading Butterfly meltdowns, new friends and insomnia ❤️

Freedommmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Wednesday the 25th July 2018 Ahhhhhhhhhhhh Wednesday, it's like my very own mini break is a Wednesday. There's no child. There's no routine. There's no pressure to be anywhere, talk to anyone or get out of bed if I don't need to. Just was well really because it's 10.55am and I'm sat in bed with … Continue reading Freedommmmmmmmmmmmmmm

A trickle of piss & a dash of rage

Tuesday the 24th July 2018 Right then it's Tuesday. It's a shitty point in the week is Tuesday aint it? It's not quite the beginning of the week anymore; Monday's already pebble dashed all over your hopes and dreams of a positive week, and it's nowhere near the end of the week so you can't … Continue reading A trickle of piss & a dash of rage

Thank fuck my curtains are closed.

Monday the 23rd of July 2018 Blimey, I've missed you crowd. Yes, even you, sat there with your mouth puckered like a cats arsehole judging me for fucking off and leaving you with this lot. They're not so bad, you just need to be less.... you, and more me. Suck it up. Fuck it. I … Continue reading Thank fuck my curtains are closed.

Friday the 13th, CBD hopes and family time ❤️👨‍👩‍👦

Friday the 13th of July 2018 Fuck me, I hadn't realised until I typed the date out that it was actually Friday the 13th. Well I fucking never. I mean, Jason V hasn't even text far less shown up? Eeeesht he's changed.  I guess given the fact I'm half way through the day and I've … Continue reading Friday the 13th, CBD hopes and family time ❤️👨‍👩‍👦

Caution: Contains themes of arseholery and rantage (again)

Thursday the 12th of July 2018 *Tut* 4 days. That's how long I've been gone.....4 fucking days, and look what you've done to the place! BoJo's all Eye of the Tiger about kicking Terrahawk May to the curb, the footballists taxi for "home" got lost and is now en-route to Croatia and Trump's coming to … Continue reading Caution: Contains themes of arseholery and rantage (again)

Scorchio, camel cock pie and .. scenery

Sunday the 8th of July 2018 Blimey, it's scorchio out there. Well for here anyway, it's 26 degrees. All of the men in the village have been raped of their shirts and as a result I've seen enough pale blue legs and big flabby moobs to last me a life time. Scottish blokes are not … Continue reading Scorchio, camel cock pie and .. scenery

Bigger Boy Pills, Jekyll and Hyde and sunshine 🌞

Tuesday the 3rd of July 2018 Thank fuck, I made it, it's the end of Tuesday... it's taken AGES to arrive. It's been an utterly strange and depressing few days, so I'll apologise now because I suspect this will be all over the place. In some ways I've made headway in treatment, but I've taken … Continue reading Bigger Boy Pills, Jekyll and Hyde and sunshine 🌞

Boudoirs, ugly genitals and burny hot

Thursday the 28th June 2018 Blimey, Thursday already and it's an absolute belter out there. I was sat out in the garden for a bit earlier this morning but it got way too hot and rather than having a lovely warming heat on my bones I felt my bone marrow was on actual fire so … Continue reading Boudoirs, ugly genitals and burny hot

Friends, haircuts and no fucking chair!

Tuesday the 26th of June 2018 I'll level with you - I nearly didn't write again today.  Don't get me wrong, I love writing but it kind of feels like a pressure some days;  a pressure I've added to life purely through choice I might add. I've gotten used to opening the laptop, or the … Continue reading Friends, haircuts and no fucking chair!

Orange Walks, Epsom Salt and fucking with Burger Friday

Friday the 22nd of June 2018 Right then, we all made it to Friday hooooray, well done etc etc! Now, I don't want to completely destroy the equilibrium of the universe, but there will be no burgers today.  Well no porky bastards anyway.  Yes, I know it's fucking Friday, I just said that, but I'm … Continue reading Orange Walks, Epsom Salt and fucking with Burger Friday

Doing nothing, debates and very shameful rides

Thursday the 21st of June 2018 All those in favour of renaming the blog "Not doing very much at all really" raise your hands now. 🙋‍♀️🙋‍♂️🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️ That is, if it doesn't knacker you - blink if that's easier. Not too much mind, or you'll look special and not in a good way. I tell you what, I'm … Continue reading Doing nothing, debates and very shameful rides

Toddlers, Carpets and not faking it.

Tuesday the 19th of June 2018 Well bugger me backwards and call me Phyllis, I've made it back again. That's two days on the trot people - I'll soon be kicking JK Rowling in the arse as I'm passing her by. Harry Potter my fucking arse, get a real job. So, it's Tuesday, the day … Continue reading Toddlers, Carpets and not faking it.

Went a bit AWOL didn’t I?

Monday the 18th of June 2018 It's been 4 days since I've been able to put words in the right order. Can you believe it? 4 fucking days. That's why I've not been around much. I could talk for the most part, but my brain was so tired I wasn't capable of writing a sentence … Continue reading Went a bit AWOL didn’t I?

OAP grafters and unreasonable goblins

Tuesday the 12th of June 2018 What a fucking day.....No don't worry, it's not one of THOSE posts. I've caught a bus and THEN flagged a taxi to take me away from the pity party that's dominated me this last wee while. Nah, today I'm undoubtedly fucked, but I'm in good humour so you're safe. … Continue reading OAP grafters and unreasonable goblins

Living for the weekends ❤️

Saturday the 9th of June 2018 Firstly, sorry for being a moany fucker yesterday and before you all start trying to make me feel less of a moany fucker by proclaiming "you weren't..HONESTLY... and EVEN if you were it's TOTALLY understandable" -  don't. I was.  I appreciate you trying to make me feel better about … Continue reading Living for the weekends ❤️

Big Boy Bed, Windows and Morrison’s

Wednesday 6th of June 2018 Well, today is better than yesterday so that's good news innit? I mean I didn't skip out of bed to Katrina and the Waves first thing this morning, but I didn't have to check my own pulse to see if I was still alive either; so that's progress. It was … Continue reading Big Boy Bed, Windows and Morrison’s

Life, Cheese and fucking Trolls

Monday 4th June 2018 Ahh hello you. Thanks for dropping in and reading, I'm always grateful you take the time. So firstly, yesterday. Nothing bad happened, actually, it was a fine day; it was just busy for me so firstly I didn't get a chance to write all day and secondly, by the time I … Continue reading Life, Cheese and fucking Trolls

Bouncy pillows of fun, farm shops and dinosaurs

Saturday the 2nd of June 2018 I KNEW that June wasn't as much of an arsehole as May was. She couldn't be. Not when she brings with her long days and sunshine and here we are on her second day and you know what? It's been alright! Actually, some bits of it have been really … Continue reading Bouncy pillows of fun, farm shops and dinosaurs

June has arrived, May is an arsehole and that’s all there is to it.

Friday the 1st of June 2018 - IT'S NOT A MOANY ONE HONEST. I think June and I are going to get on alright to be honest. She's come in like a breath of fresh air this morning, kicked May squarely in the flaps and sent her packing. I think she understands what I always … Continue reading June has arrived, May is an arsehole and that’s all there is to it.