Wednesday 1st of August 2018
The 1st of August…. How has that happened? I vividly remember writing on the 1st of May and then the 1st of June about how I was going to make them “my month” – what a crock of shit that turned out to be. Karma clearly heard me, laughed and then booted my swiftly in the flaps before reminding me who’s boss. Joy. Clearly though, I should have been hanging on till August because that’s when all the big stuff is happening. I feel like I’m just at the end of a bend here, waiting to see what’s round the corner. I’m either petrified or excited, I’m not sure…
I’m going with excited given that I was awake until 3 this morning, otherwise, I’m more of an arsehole than even I was aware and that my friends, is not good news, especially not for you crowd. I could have quite happily slapped myself silly last night and this morning as I lay in this bed waiting for the sleepy gremlins to arrive. I went to bed at just after 8 after a pretty full on couple of days with bollockchops. I was so so knackered that I momentarily considered crying when my imaginary stair lift hadn’t materialised at the bottom step. “They”, whoever the fuck they are, say that if you wish on a star your dream will come true; horseshit. I’ve been wishing for a stair lift since I first saw them back in the 90’s and still fuck all. Shove your stars up your arse and give me a backy up the stairs will you?
So, insomnia, again. What the fuck do you even do with that? I have never ever had insomnia until a few weeks back when my brain decided that it would play hide and fucking seek with any sort of sane way of dealing with tiredness. Now it would seem that the more tired I am the less I can sleep…. it’s a head fuck. The good news is with all that time on my hands last night and this morning I’ve planned to the penny what I’m going to do when I win the lottery, so you best not fuck me off or you’ll end up with nowt more than a raised eye brow and a flick of the bird. The bad news is that I’ve had to write off today because I’m fit for fuck all. It’s 2.23pm and it’s taken me over 2 hours to write these few paragraphs, and lets be honest, they’re hardly award winning. To think I’ll be back at work at the end of August (hopefully) and commanding a salary for my time is pretty frightening when my entire contribution to the world in the last 18 hours is making this:
I made that graphic at 2am this morning while Christiaan was laid next to me snoring and the cat was licking her own chuff; I know how to party I tell you.
I’ve had a read back at the last few times I struggled sleeping (this blog is fucking immense for detailing that sort of shit) and it turns out that in the last few months whenever I get sensory overload, I can’t sleep. I suspect I’m so knackered because I’ve had to process every noise and image from the morning and my brain isn’t coping so it feels like my think box is having a meltdown and getting stuck playing the Macarena to a sequence of dancing potatoes instead. Perfectly reasonable response for a mentalist.
See yesterday I took laddo to Little World of Play which is a real world type play environment for young uns, there’s a vets, a shop, a disco, a hair salon, soft play etc and you can let the sprogs run riot. It’s noisy and bright and full on and I think, on reflection, it was probably a bit ambitious for a morning out with just Eli and I. I’d booked it on a whim on Monday night thinking that Eli could entertain himself while I had a seat and chilled out, but of course, it never quite works out like that – especially not when the unreasonable little fucker wanted to start world war 3 over a stuffed dog that looked like it had been run over and fucked all at the same time. Why kids get attached to wanky stuff is beyond me but he looked like he was going to twat this bigger kid so I had to stay close by…. so I could hold his jacket and shout “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” obvs. As a result, I was on my feet for nearly the whole 2 hours and was hobbling back and forward dragging my legs like a zombie before it was time for us to get kicked out – I was goosed. So goosed that I had to have a sleep when I came home to let my brain stop fizzling and my words come back. Only an hour mind, the same as laddo… afterall… I didn’t want to be up all night. Fucks sake.
It was a good morning though – by sheer luck Dawn and her Mum had booked to take the twins at the same time. Neither of us knew this though, and we did that “I CAN’T BELIEVE IT” cuddle in the car park while the twins and Eli got pissed off waiting. It was great news for me, it meant I could spend time with some of my favourite people…. but it also meant I felt a wee bit more awkward using my stick, so I was a dick and tucked it under the table when we arrived which was a mistake and really didn’t help the crash that came after. I have no idea why it’s upsetting me to use it, maybe because it feels like giving in but I suspect mostly because I don’t like drawing attention to myself. I know, I KNOW, people have better things to do than look at me, but it feels… uncomfy for now, I’ll get it nailed soon I’m sure.
In the mean time though, I had a fucking exhausting but funny morning, my Mum turned up to play with Eli too and it was right nice being out with everyone. It was made all the more special by the fact that the twins turn 2 tomorrow…. I can’t believe it. It’s like they should still be babies, but no, look, proper wee people and Eli, when he’s not being a twat about sharing loves playing with Michael and Leah so it was a win win.
Look at them – gorgeous! It fucked me mind. Really fucked me. Even after my hours kip yesterday afty I was counting down the minutes till bed time… which makes that fucking insomnia even more of a kick in the teeth, I was DESPERATE to sleep. Eeeesht.
So anyway, that was the last day of July DONE and we’re now into August which I celebrated this morning by going to my rescheduled docs appointment. I now have a new contraceptive pill which will hopefully regulate whatever the fuck is going on with my period and lady bits. Well that’s the hope anyway. It’s taken a while to get this sorted because to begin with my BMI was a little too high to start taking this sort of pill and then when I got it to where it needed to be I forgot the fucking appointment didn’t I? Anyway, we’re here now and I have the new baby blockers sat beside me and I’m really hoping that by sorting out the regularity of my cycles I can cut down the amount of bleeding I’ve been having. I think I’ve mentioned before that there’s a noticeable spiral in my symptoms around period time, and I was having 2 a month most months so I was never really getting out the trench. This should give me 1 period a month and I’ll know when it’s coming…. I can’t wait. Dr Alban, get the rollerskates looked out; It’s my life.
It’s also a week today I see the M.E. Specialist Nurse. It feels like such a big thing that appointment because getting any support with M.E. is near on impossible; my GP is great and does what she can but she, like the majority of the medical professionals out there, only knows a little. It’s such a huge unknown. So to see someone who deals with people like me day in and day out feels like progress and I need to drink in everything he tells me (or rely on Christiaan to!) so that I can do everything in my power to get a bit better. I know I can’t cure it, I know it’s not going to happen overnight but fuck me, I need to try.
I’m hoping he’ll be able to guide me through what’s needed to make my return to work successful because despite everyone sucking in their breath and declaring it “too soon” I need to get back to work and I’m still aiming for the end of August. I’ve shifted some weight, sorted my pill, sorted my blue badge out and now this meeting is the last tangible thing I can do to make a difference. If he says I’m not ready then I’m a bit snookered right enough but it is still ultimately my choice and we all know how stubborn I am…. I’d rather try and fail than not try at all. I’ve been counting down to this month see, I always had it in my head that I’d be back at work before Autumn at the latest. Well, we’re almost there.
So August is set to be a busy month really and I’m not too sure what me going back to work means for the blog. I know I’ll not be able to write as regularly that’s for sure. I will absolutely need to pace myself and be sensible with what energy I have… I may resort to short Facebook updates for a bit while I bed back in, I dunno. Obviously my main aim is to get back to being able to do a little of everything in life but how realistic that is, and how quickly it will happen is a huge unknown. I guess we’ll see how many of you are fickle and desert me though…. don’t be alarmed when I turn up at your door and ask you to come back, honestly, it’s for your own good. DON’T LEAVE ME.
I’m still amazed that so many of you want to read this tripe though to be honest and I forget often that I’m not just talking to a small circle of people anymore – there’s fucking hundreds of you. Our Facebook page is at almost 600 readers now and with the WordPress, Instagram and Twitter feeds there is almost 2000 of you. That’s almost an army and I’m ever aware that there is absolutely fuck all in this for you, so, thank you. For reading my shite, for commenting on it and for being part of this fucked up ride – I appreciate it.
Now, fuck off.
- Solo parenting DONE for the week. It was hard, but Eli and I survived
- Eli’s finally getting somewhere with potty training and managed to curl one out and piss on demand the last few days – result
- I went to the docs today and the reception staff didn’t try and assassinate me after my complaint letter. I also got my pill sorted hoooooray!
- The air con in the car is FINALLY fixed…. just as the temperatures plummet and the rain arrives!
- This month is the game changer – I can feel it!
- Low lights
- Insomnia wrote off an entire nights sleep leaving me with a few hours to live on today. As a result I’m still in bed.
- My bone aches are getting worse I think and the only options for pain relief left are ones I don’t want to take. I hope this CBD starts working soon….
- I put on 2.5lb this week at fat club. There is no reason for that to have happened but I do feel incredibly bloated with fluid so I’m hoping its just that and I haven’t started taking in calories by osmosis…. I did walk past a cake last week.
- What’s on the menu Mellars?
- Breakfast – Raspberries, juicy juicy melon and a yoghurt.. AGAIN
- Lunch – Nowt, I’m really not hungry
- Dinner – Pulled pork with actifry chips and salad I reckon.
Are you new round here?
If you’ve just stumbled across TryingToDoItAll and have no bastarding idea what’s going on you should probably go back and read a few blogs from the beginning. Don’t panic, I won’t ask you to read them all, but these few posts will help explain. Oh stop sighing, it’ll only take you a few minutes. Fucks sake.
- Well you’re here, so you may as well get comfy
- Can’t stop M.E. now…. ahmm having such a good time, ahmm tickling your balllssss!
- When are the grown ups coming?
- Major surgery…again?
- You’ve got to be kidding M.E.?
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ME Blogger extraordinaire… a bit of a shit one, granted.