Orange Walks, Epsom Salt and fucking with Burger Friday

Friday the 22nd of June 2018

Right then, we all made it to Friday hooooray, well done etc etc! Now, I don’t want to completely destroy the equilibrium of the universe, but there will be no burgers today.  Well no porky bastards anyway.  Yes, I know it’s fucking Friday, I just said that, but I’m trying summit different that I’ll come to in a bit…. no don’t hold your breath in excitement, it definitely won’t change your world, but “they” whoever they are say that a change is as good as a holiday and I’ve no chance of getting a bastard holiday so I’m fucking shit up on Burger Friday instead.

So the good news first: Eli slept through last night GET IN! He had a really shaky start to the night and didn’t want to stay in bed. I reckon the “monsters” from the night before were still fresh from the night before so he needed cuddled to sleep and Christiaan was more than happy to do the honours. There’s definitely something going on his wee brain, but whatever it is, it was put on he back shelf when Christiaan managed to get him in bed asleep because he was fairly sound. How he’d managed to go the whole day yesterday with no nap, after losing over 3 hours the night before – I’ve no fucking idea but he ploughed on through and made it to his normal bed time.  It’s like he’s a 3 foot Duracell Bunny… which is a creepy thought actually so I’ll move on.

I’ve also managed, for the first time in months, to have a bath! I mean obviously I’ve washed – once a week whether I need it or not (Grandad, your lines are still the best) but the actual act of getting in and out of a bath needs planning carefully when you’re a bit fucked. You know yourself how heavy and relaxed you feel when you get out of a bath, you can feel really hefty when you try and get out right? Well add about 43 stone onto your weight and run 15 marathons and then try it – that’s what I imagine it feels like for someone with no baseline energy to begin with, its a monumental effort. I needed to though, I’m so so sore today for reasons I don’t quite understand but I do wonder if I was doing some disco dancing, (like the young uns)  in bed last night because I’ve bruises right up and down my legs and on my hands that I can’t really explain. The bruises don’t hurt and they’ve turned yellow already so whatever the fuck is going on it’s minor but its another example of how fucked up things are getting. I was also awake at 3 this morning for way over an hour because this cold is still lingering and I have a ninja cough. Acht you know the sort I mean, the ones that creep up on you. I can go all day and not cough, I can go to bed and lie down and not cough, I can fall asleep with no coughing malarky at all, but at some point in the night ALL OF THE COUGHS ARRIVE and they generally want to party there and then. So then I worry I’m going to wake everyone up and I try and hold them in; which we all know is more impossible than Theresa May being anything other than a haggered old witch – so I have to get up while sounding like I’m choking from holding my breath. I make it downstairs… then UHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUH (actual cough spelling). Actually, one too many H’s there… sausage fingers (not you, me).

So at 3 this morning I was sat drinking my tea, stalking Facebook, which was dull so I did the thing I should never do at 3am. I went onto the BBC news website. What a fucking idiot. I was getting myself more and more wound up at lots of things to do with the state of the world but the thing that really rattled me was a reminder that the DUP leader Arlene fucking Foster is going to be in Cowdenbeath leading a fucking orange walk next Saturday. What the actual fuck. Now Cowdenbeath is where I grew up, where my folks still live, and is only a few miles from here and I have no idea.. NONE.. why any fucker thinks it would be a good idea to allow a deeply religious and political march to take place to begin with but then to invite ARLENE FUCKING FOSTER is beyond mental. She’s part of a government that the majority of people I know, including me, despise. What kind of reception is she expecting? Why do we even fucking need an orange walk? I KNOW people have the “right” to do it and yes, I KNOW the music will be lovely and jolly but all of that is superficial – they are marching through an area of Fife that voted strongly for independence while promoting unionism. They are marching for Protestantism in area that can be really bumpy during a Rangers v Celtic match. Granted it’s more so with the older crowds because I reckon religion isn’t something that’s rife there any more, but roots and history are easily resurrected when pride takes a fall. It’ll only take someone calling someone else’s Dad a “Catholic/Proddie bastard” you I fights will erupt. The police know it too, they’re currently “beefing up” their operation for next weekend according to the local news. See Fifers aren’t backwards at coming forwards and fists are absolutely used as communication tools. So, to me, knowing what we do, it’s bordering on incitement. Now don’t get me wrong, I know there will absolutely be people who want to go and enjoy the parade with little or no bother but there will be some who find it offensive and they will lash out. People are absolutely entitled to think and believe in whatever the fuck makes them happy and fulfilled, it’s no one else’s business but why do we live in a society where it needs paraded under everyone’s noses? Enjoy it and be proud of it but remember; religion is like having a knob. You can have one, you can be proud of it, but flashing it constantly and shoving it down someone’s throat uninvited is fucking offensive.

I’m right proud of how well Eli can sing the Hokey Kokey for his age but I’ve not invited Mr Tumble to come and march him up and down the high street demanding that everyone celebrate his charm and charisma…. although maybe I should? It would create less havoc and cost less in the way of policing than this nest of arseholery will. If you’re taking part in the parade – enjoy it and don’t be a dick, there are always bigger and more mental people than you around, and they’ll not think twice about kicking seven shades of shit out of you.  Anyway, sorry, I went off on one again…the world is mental… so that’s what rattled me at 3am this morning while you were snoozing in your comfy bed – I’ve told you before, I live life on the edge!

Now, believe it or not that’s the good news HAH! The bad news is that having a bath was a very bad idea. I really wanted to try it because I’ve been reading a lot about all the good  things epsom salt can do for you and I wanted some of that natural bastard all over me to try and ease my aches and pains. So I went for it. I ran a bath, a big deep, really warm bath and chucked a lot of this stuff in.

DSC_2221.JPG

So far so good (the bath’s still running in the background by the way, I’d have to run around in that current water load to get wet… and we all know that’s not going to happen). I got my jammas off and I dragged myself in and it was fucking lovely. Really lovely. I luxuriated in the warmth and I even managed to shave my legs for the first time in months but then… well I ran out of energy and everything started to go in slow motion a bit. I was a bit stuck. Not as in “you fat bastard” stuck, but as in “I can’t move my fucking legs and my arms wont pull me up” kind of stuck. So I lay a bit longer, which made me feel itchy because I’d just shaved my legs and I could see all the leg pubes floating around and I really didn’t want to be covered in the little black fuckers. So I decided to drain all of the water out, and sit there until I could get eventually drag myself up. Eventually it happened, with all the grace of an elephant rolling in shite but the end result of me having a bath was a 45 minute lay down in bed. What a fucking carry on! I know baths are supposed to relax you but I swear some fucker poured concrete into me when I wasn’t looking. Also, apologies to the whole of Kinghorn – we still don’t have blinds up in the bedroom and I was laid on the bed stark fanny naked for longer than was comfortable for all of us. If you caught a flash of boob or worse when I was crawling around the bedroom then I’m sorry; and also, why the fuck are you looking in bedroom windows? Especially ones that are 30ft up from the pavement – giant perv.

So yeah, a bath has pretty much destroyed me today. After eventually getting dressed I’ve not been able to get up from the couch and the worse of it? It’s made not a blind bit of difference to my aches and pains… the bastard. I guess that means my pipe dream of having a hot tub has been entirely shat on – I’d be able to get in alright but I’d need a fortnight off to get back out and recover. What a crock of shit.

So this is me for the rest of the afternoon now, sat in the dark in the living room looking like an extra from a Jim Henson film typing to a mostly, unknown, bunch of people I don’t really know.

I’ve still not really decided what I should do with this blog yet you know. The numbers are steadily creeping up in terms of followers via Facebook, WordPress, Instagram, Twitter and email – which is incredible, and a little bit daunting because I’ve done very little in the way of “getting it out there” for a good wee while now. I’m not even sure I need to do anything at all, except keep writing when I can – I’m sure this is what’s keeping me sane. It’s kind of crackers and exciting all at the same time and I reckon if I was in a different place I’d be looking to really hone some skillz and write full time (see what I did with that z? That’s keeps me fresh with the young uns).

Fuck, it might even come to that if I’m not able to work. I could write books about how to swear, and sleep – it would be all kinds of amazing and I’d be a gazillionaire. I know what you’re thinking; that would be a short book, well, my friend, it’s all I’ve written about since March and you’re still here innit? I’m not sure if that says more about me than you right enough so I’ll get my coat now before it all goes to shit and backfires on me.

Happy Friday Beautiful  

The End

  • Highlights
    • I was really enjoying my bath until it went to shit
    • My new bedroom shelves have arrived, the blinds should be here on Tuesday/Wednesday next week and my new chair arrives on Wednesday too. It looks like the bedroom may well be finished v soon!
    • Eli slept through – hooray!
    • I changed the drawer knobs in the spare room furniture and sorted out some flaking paint that has been driving me nuts for AGES. Just in time for Christiaan’s folks landing down in a few weeks time
    • It’s the weekend, which means lots of time with my boy and my man – good times ❤️
  •  Lowlights
    • The bath was a really daft idea – pleasure was short lived and I’m now fucked
    • I was up in the night which was donkey dick
    • that fucking march has wound me up and I want to go and slam Theresa May in her face for being such a spineless twat and not stepping down when she should have. It wouldn’t have stopped the march but it would have made it less political
  • What’s on the menu Mellars?
    • Breakfast –  A yoghurt
    • Lunch – Lentil, bacon and carrot soup and a slice of wholemeal with dairylea
    • Dinner  – NOT BURGERS…. NO…. Well…actually… kind of… I’m making the KFC Zinger Burger things from the Pinch of Nom website; it looks filthy – click here. I’ll let you know how it goes tomoz when I check in

Are you new round here?

If you’ve just stumbled across TryingToDoItAll and have no bastarding idea what’s going on you should probably go back and read a few blogs from the beginning. Don’t panic, I won’t ask you to read them all, but these few posts will help explain. Oh stop sighing, it’ll only take you a few minutes. Fucks sake.

  1. Well you’re here, so you may as well get comfy
  2. Can’t stop M.E. now…. ahmm having such a good time, ahmm tickling your balllssss!
  3. When are the grown ups coming?
  4. Major surgery…again?
  5. You’ve got to be kidding M.E.?

#mecfs #meawarenessuk #mewarrior #silentillness #swearymum #meblogging

#ThisisME

ME Blogger extraordinaire… kinda…

 

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