Saturday the 9th of June 2018
Firstly, sorry for being a moany fucker yesterday and before you all start trying to make me feel less of a moany fucker by proclaiming “you weren’t..HONESTLY… and EVEN if you were it’s TOTALLY understandable” – don’t. I was. I appreciate you trying to make me feel better about it but you come here to read what the situation is day to day and have a laugh; no one needs their Friday night shat on by a big massive pity party. So if you were sat there, jammies on, pint of wine in hand waiting for it to turn funny …my humblest apologies compadre, I let you down. Also, life is a bitch. Suck it up.
Last night after I posted the blog I watched Christiaan read it and I felt awful. I put all this out there in the public domain and I guess I’m brave enough to do it because so many of you are strangers but I forget that he reads it and it’s painful for him, and my friends, to read the sad bits. We talk a lot, he knows how I feel but it’s different when it’s written down I think and it reminds him of how helpless he is. So my moaning not onl depressed you crowd, it go to him too. What can I say? I was at a low ebb and it’s very easy for me to be a grumpy bastard when there’s no one around to challenge me and tell me to get a grip. Today I have people because it’s Saturday; Christiaan and Eli are around and I’ve had no time on my own to ponder or dwell because every minute has been taken doing what I enjoy best; being around my wee family. Basically I’ve got a grip. I’m not brushing off how I’m feeling by the way, there’s no doubting things are shite but I guess I need to see the value in being self indulgent before I give in again; writing it all down yesterday just magnified all the shit bits rather than diluting them, it wasn’t cathartic, it was…. fucking painful. So I guess from here on in I need to just get on with it; grit my teeth, put my head down and make it to the weekend – where, no matter how shite things are, my boy and my husband are there to make sure I get out of the house and laugh, and cuddle and have fun. I live for the weekends these days, more than I ever have before….. sure there’s no cocktails and going out, but even when I was healthy I couldn’t really be arsed with all that so I’m missing very little.
Last night was feeling flat but ended in a bit of drama. For those that didn’t catch my update on Facebook; Betty’s deed. I’m gutted. A big fucking crow came and took her while Agnes did her best to defend the nest. The circle of life is a whole bag of fucking crazy if you ask me, what the fuck is up with crows? Coming into a nest and killing wee helpless babies? I’ll stone the next fucker I see (I didn’t, it was this afternoon and I was knackered so I kind of hissed at it and shuffled my feet to scare it – job done obvs). I suspect the crow is what happened to baby number 3 aka Eggbert. We only ever clocked him in egg form but the chicks were only born yesterday or the day before I think so it’s possible that they’ve knicked off with him to. So now Agnes only has one baby (Seamus) and she is guarding it with her life; she’s utterly freaked out and it explains why she was really aggressive looking when we looked out the window at her yesterday. It’s so sad and I do feel a wee bit responsible because it happened while we were sat watching telly; I’m not sure what we could have done, but it seems wrong that we couldn’t have helped save it. Christiaan heard the fighting first and then saw a crow bounce off the living room window, he went outside and I went up to check the nest from the bathroom window and only saw one wee fluffling and Agnes looking like she was going to kill. I know they’re flying vermin but, well, it was her wee babies and it was a fucking horrible thing to happen. I couldn’t get it out my brain last night and kept checking the driveway just in case it had dropped off and hadn’t actually been taken by the dirty bastard crow, but no… sadly Betty was nowhere to be seen. I keep checking on her and Seamus today and they seem fine, I guess protecting one baby from them will be easier and it only needs a few more days before it’s big enough to stand its own ground. Davey Attbo, I dunno how you do it my friend, you’re a harder hearted fucker than I am… I’m gutted. Nature can go fuck itself.
Right, that’s the misery and tragedy out the way, time to move on to better news….. where’s my Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince tape? Ahhh here…. Go on… click/tap here… DANCE! Ambience set.
As you know from reading last nights blog, today is Kinghorn Gala day. All 2 dozen village residents gathered together and created a wee procession with the local kids, balloons, a pipe band and few very bored looking police. There was laughing and music and cheering but we could hear none of it because Eli was fucking crying. Give me strength. So we weren’t there for very long (less than 10 mins I’d guess) but that’s not the point, the point is, for the first time in 3 years I saw it! Last year I was too ill, the year before I had just had my spinal surgery and the year before that I was heavily pregnant and had SPD and a goosed back and couldn’t walk. June is traditionally a bit of a fucker if you look at the last few years actually; I’d not realised until now. Today though, I watched everyone have a good time and I cheered them all on and it felt good to be part of a community celebration. It won’t be long until Eli is taking part and I can’t wait to be honest, I love a gala. I’d got the wee man wearing his most colourful get up (and of course the fucking hat), it’s a t-shirt that’s been released to celebrate Gay Pride and I love the colours and sentiment. He basically looked like a rainbow had jizzed all over him which is exactly the way I like him because he’s not a meek muted kind of kid. There are times I wish I could mute him right enough; like when he’s crying at a bastard gala.
I don’t need to tell you it was good for me to be out. You know that and don’t fall off your chair in shock, but we also made it to B & Q this morning. Yes again. I know, I have never ever been there as much as I have in the last 3 months. It’s getting awkward for me, but thankfully it’s big enough that at the very least I haven’t run into the same check out staff more than once; I’d probably have a restraining order by now otherwise. We needed paint and lining paper for the guy to get started on Tuesday though so we had no choice but to go in. Eli of course was a whiney fucker there too, primarily because for the second morning in a row he’s fallen out of bed earlier than he wanted to wake up. He’s not the kind of kid to go back to sleep once he’s awake unless it’s the middle of the night so we were all up early doors again and none of us were happy about it. I’ve upped the number of rolled towels under his sheet for tonight and if he falls again I’ll need to think about getting the bed guard deployed. To be fair though, he’s making a right meal out of the whole falling out thing – the total drop is about a foot, it’s not a vast plummet down a cliff face: he just needs to stop rolling around and being a fanny.
I knew he’d sleep at nap time at least and it took all of 10 minutes to get him sleeping and in bed, which meant Christiaan and I had an hour to let our ears wind down from the constant whining and actually enjoy each others company. We sat in the garden, in the sun; apparently it was only 13 degrees out there but we both declared bull shit on that – it was wayyyyyy hotter. It was lovely to be out there again, I’d not made it out for a few days because my eyes were really sensitive to the light and it transpires that I’m clearly a sad fuck because I totally missed it. After an hour we got bollockchops up to continue with the days whine-fest. It wasn’t a easy wakening…… he’d morphed into a teenager during that hours kip, and was not for getting up, I could actually hear him saying “no” when Christiaan was trying to cajole him out of bed. Poor wee scone. Christiaan eventually managed to get him up and downstairs and he came to me for his usual cosy cuddle, which normally takes about 5 minutes while he comes round a bit… today though he had fallen back asleep within seconds. Obviously I took a pic, because otherwise it didn’t happen.
Poor wee bugger, that extra day in nursery, missing those naps and falling out of the bed too early has really caught up with him today and I guess that’s why we’ve had so much whining, that and the fact he’s a bell end. I only let him doze for a few minutes mind, otherwise we’d be cruising into the danger nap zone and there was no fucking way I wanted him still awake at 9 tonight singing Incy fucking Wincy. I mean it’s cute but utterly unnecessary when you just want him to sleep…. preferably without falling out of the bed. He’s got a wee brucie bonus in his room tonight too, I got a wee push nightlight that sticks to the wall. The hope is that he has a wee light to read his books by, the reality is he’ll be fucking around with it all night until he falls asleep….. rave for one.
He was alright 20 minutes after this pic was taken by the way, he woke up properly and eventually quit whining and began smiling again so we all went out in the garden to “play”. Which basically meant I sat there watching while Eli barked playing instructions at Christiaan – he look fraught but I had a grand time sat on my arse in the sun. It turned a wee bit sinister after I came back out from getting tonight’s curry started to find that he had shoved a large number of his animal figures head down in the sand. I have no idea if I should be concerned or whether it’s perfectly normal behaviour for a tiny psycho. On the plus side, he did it to the dinosaurs too. I dunno why that’s a plus but it feels less mental than doing it to a zebra. Thankfully he wasn’t fingering their arses while they were in the air or anything… he just moved on to something else when the job was done. Fair enough really, we’ve all got shit to do innit?
So tomorrow see’s him at his second swimming lesson and I hope to fuck he’s in a better frame of mind than he was today or it’ll be a huge disaster. I’ll be sat at the side of the pool again, trying not to look like a massive perv…. I felt like a right dick last week but I guess at least I can take him to get changed if it’s all going tits up so there silver linings to looking a bit creepy. Lets hope it doesn’t come to that. Pray for me.
- I got out hooray – the paint for the bedroom is now purchased
- I got to watch the gala procession, well part of it, for the first time since we moved into the village. I LOVE hearing the pipes play, I get all patriotic and shit.
- We had a really chilled out afternoon in the garden – I’d missed that over the last few days. I always miss my boys.
- I got to enjoy a lovely cosy cuddle with my littlest boy earlier. He normally falls asleep on me before naps, but this is the first time it’s happened after too – it was lush
- I feel in a more positive space today
- Betty’s deed
- We couldn’t stay at the procession too long, primarily because I was shit, but also because Eli is insane
- What’s on the menu Mellars?
- Breakfast – Scrambled egg on one slice of wholemeal
- Lunch – Raspberries, apple and a yoghurt (again)
- Dinner – I made a right nice curry with chicken, chickpeas, spinach and sweet potato… I love when I make new nice stuff.
Are you new round here?
If you’ve just stumbled across TryingToDoItAll and have no bastarding idea what’s going on you should probably go back and read a few blogs from the beginning. Don’t panic, I won’t ask you to read them all, but these few posts will help explain. Oh stop sighing, it’ll only take you a few minutes. Fucks sake.
- Well you’re here, so you may as well get comfy
- Can’t stop M.E. now…. ahmm having such a good time, ahmm tickling your balllssss!
- When are the grown ups coming?
- Major surgery…again?
- You’ve got to be kidding M.E.?
#mecfs #meawarenessuk #mewarrior #silentillness #swearymum