Tuesday the 5th June 2018
For every summer comes a fall. That’s what all the intelligent lot say aint it? Never a truer word to be honest because the last few days have been tough but I’m afraid my fall today is pretty spectacular. Think: trying to run down a very steep hill after a bottle of vodka… you know that way when your head feels heavier than the rest of your body and you just KNOW you’re about to land face first? That. After being awake for a week. With heels on, and probably a blindfold…. and a Range Rover to hurtle you further after you bounce off it’s bonnet. My life is a really strange combination of all of that normally but today it’s being presented in HD with added FX (check me out with my nerdy terms).
I’d love to be writing the same as I have done for the last few days, full of bounce and life but life has shat all over my positive ambience and left me with a big steaming pile of horse shit today. Today hasn’t been a good day, in fact, it’s been pretty fucking terrible.
I had genuinely begun to believe that ignoring what has been going on the last few days would make a difference. I mean I’ve not been great but I’ve not been at my worst; not by a longgggg way. I was out and about with my family, I saw friends, I laughed and I felt alive – it was so so good for me. See, I’ve always believed that to have a strong body you need a strong mind and to have a strong mind you need multiple stimulus; it’s one of the reasons I keep forcing myself to write every day – it’s an achievement. So spending time with Christiaan and Eli and seeing other people over the last few days has been amazing for me; it’s reminded me that there is more to life than living in my very own Bermuda triangle: House>Garden>Retail Park of No Joy Where B & Q and Sainsbo’s Lives. It transpires however that a strong mind can only do so much because it’s the body that is t most dominant; a bit like Ernie off of Bert and Ernie. So while I might be all “yeahhhhh life is fucking sunshine and fun times”, Ernie has come along and pushed me off a cliff while I’ve been sniffing the flowers… the bastard.
See, I’ve been doing more the last 4 days, not a HUGE amount, and not as much as you (if you’re not one of the fucked up broken crew) as you would do your laziest day; but I’ve been trying to make a wee life around my current symptom levels these last few days. I’ve been out a bit more; not pushed myself physically really because I’m still not able to walk far at all but mentally I’ve been more active in terms of being around people, having conversations, cooking meals and I guess it might have been too much? I’m fucked if I know. It’s a tricky thing to balance and I know I’ve discussed it before but I never know I’ve overdone it until… well I’ve overdone it. Sometimes I know instantly and I crash straight away, and other times, it takes a few days to build. So just when you start feeling cocky that you’re doing better than you have been you get served you very own reality check. Like today – this has take a few days to build but payback has now arrived and it’s really not fucking happy with me.
I knew it would obviously, if it didn’t then I guess I would have been on my way out of this fucking crash, and THAT my friends would have been the heralding of me getting life back on track and living alongside this fucker, rather than it controlling what life looks like. I was silently willing on the revolution but I guess I knew it was a long shot. So it came, and it brought it’s friends Icy Bullets, BreakYerBones and GetInYerBed and as a result I have been in bed most of the morning, and laid on the couch the rest of the day barely able to summon up the energy to get up for a piss. I’m a sad shadow of the person I was even yesterday I think?
It’s not what today should have looked like. Today Eli and I were going to attempt to walk up the road to the butchers, buy some cakes for him and his wee buddy who was coming to visit this afternoon from the bakers and then walk home. It would have taken 20 minutes max but it would have been the first time I’d been able to walk that far for a good wee while. This afternoon was supposed to be a wee play date at ours with one of the local mums I’m trying to get to know better; she and I share a love of bright Scandi clothes on our wombfruit and seem to have a similar sense of humour, only, I’ve not been able to commit to meeting for a coffee because I’m so fucking flaky. Instead, I had to call the nursery and see if they had space to take Eli and cancel the whole day.
The realisation that the sound of your own wee boys voice is too much for you; physically too much, is fucking heartbreaking but that’s where I was first thing, I had to ask him to be quiet, and he doesn’t understand why Mummy needed quiet. Fuck, he’s only 2.5 and full of energy and laughter the way he should be. Christiaan had to divert him for me and played with him so I could let me brain adjust. I saw him for less than an hour before I handed him over to other people to look after for the day. I can’t even tell you how much that hurts me today. It doesn’t get to me on a normal day, when we have a routine to stick to and I work (or have scheduled rest, whatever), and he goes to play with his friends, and everyone knows the script, but today; today we had plans, and we were going to have fun and I just wanted to enjoy him and the sunshine I currently have blocked out because it’s too fucking bright. I know he’ll be having a grand time, he loves going into nursery now, but someone is getting to enjoy his cuddles and his giggles and even his fucking meltdowns and they were all supposed to be mine today and I’m gutted. It’s not even that I feel melodramatic by the way. I suppose I could be clutching my pearls and wailing about how unfair the situation is (and it is really fucking unfair) but I also know that today is “just” a bad day, there may be a few to come but after that there will be better days…. some aren’t so lucky and I’m really mindful of that.
I can’t say I’m OK today, but I’m not going to be down for long. Today is a raw reminder of who/what’s in control and I’m not even sure I can laugh about it…. yet …. I mean, I will, because if I don’t then what’s the point? It’s won then hasn’t it? It’s taken everything, and I’ll be fucked if I’m going to let that happen; but for today I’m off to refuel and recharge so that tomorrow can be better.
I’m sorry, I know today’s blog isn’t all sunshine and roses and is way shorter than normal; it’s probably a right depressing read actually…. but, well, I promised you right from the offset that I’d be honest, and the truth is that my brave face has fucked off to Marbella (possibly just B & Q actually) for the day leaving me with this broken trout face in an undecorated bedroom who is going to fucking sleep… again (yes I know… my hair is… interesting…. suck it up).
So… night ya’ll … till tomoz!
- Highlights – Yes there are still a few… I refuse to give in
- The glass for the hall sky light is ready so should be installed later today or tomorrow at the latest
- The bedroom is being started on Monday, hopefully not with me in bed otherwise the decorator may have more to deal with than he’d bargained for
- Pretty obvious I reckon so I won’t rattle on…
- What’s on the menu Mellars?
- Breakfast – Negative – I chose sleep instead
- Lunch – a yoghurt with some raspberries, strawberries and an apple
- Dinner – Sausage casserole apparently…. presuming I can make it, otherwise it’s whatever Christiaan pulls us together
Are you new round here?
If you’ve just stumbled across TryingToDoItAll and have no bastarding idea what’s going on you should probably go back and read a few blogs from the beginning. Don’t panic, I won’t ask you to read them all, but these few posts will help explain. Oh stop sighing, it’ll only take you a few minutes. Fucks sake.
- Well you’re here, so you may as well get comfy
- Can’t stop M.E. now…. ahmm having such a good time, ahmm tickling your balllssss!
- When are the grown ups coming?
- Major surgery…again?
- You’ve got to be kidding M.E.?
#mecfs #meawarenessuk #mewarrior #silentillness #swearymum