Life, Cheese and fucking Trolls

Monday 4th June 2018

Ahh hello you. Thanks for dropping in and reading, I’m always grateful you take the time.

So firstly, yesterday. Nothing bad happened, actually, it was a fine day; it was just busy for me so firstly I didn’t get a chance to write all day and secondly, by the time I could have written, I wasn’t really able to get my brain in order. I’d turned into that flaccid knob I’ve banged on about before but at least this time it was as a result of doing stuff, (albeit it low impact normal to you stuff) rather doing nowt. So no drama – just life innit.

It was a fairly positive day all in, I wasn’t great physically but mentally wasn’t too bad at all for the majority of the day. I was really tired but knew we had shit to get on with so we just ploughed on, which is always a mistake but also sometimes just fucking necessary. Christiaan took Eli out for a few bits or shopping first thing while I got some housey bits sorted, not too much ovs but enough to take the edge off the “slum chic” look I’ve been cultivating recently. I wanted the house to at least look presentable because my brother was bringing the kids round later on in the afty and I didn’t want his girlfriend thinking we were hobo’s, well not until she really gets to know us at least; we’ve not met too often yet. It was also Eli’s very first swimming lesson yesterday, something I was looking forward to and dreading in equal measures. He LOVES the water so I knew he’d be excited to go in,  but he is absolutely not invested in structured play or learning so as a result he was really happy fucking around pretending the noodle float thingy was a horsey but as soon as it came to using it for its intended purpose with the rest of the class he declared himself “out” by screaming really fucking loudly and hanging onto Christiaan liking a limpet. There were reactions at each end of the spectrum to be fair; utter delight and joy at the toys and carry on and then utter devastation at the idea of kicking his legs; it’s hard work when you’re two and a half and a bit of an arsehole obviously but he’ll just need to get on with it. I had to almost remortgage the house to pay for it – HOW MUCH!!? I was a bit gutted I wasn’t in the pool having fun with them but it was a good father/son thing and to be honest, I’d not have been able to even get us changed on my own I was knackered just getting him dried afterwards, Eli that is, Christiaan can manage on his own…. sometimes.

So from there on it was full steam ahead to lunchtime and nap time, and then my brother and his crowd landed, got fed and departed again. It wasn’t a fancy meal, just some curry for the adults that I’d already cooked,  some frozen pizza and oven chips for the older kids and some pasta for the wee man but it utterly zapped me and it was noisy. I don’t think any of my family read this blog (watch them prove me wrong now), if they do they don’t really let on which is a bit sad I guess because I’m not a big talker about my illness,  so I often wonder if they really grasp what’s going on.We’re not really in each others pockets, I see my folks a few times a week but rarely at my worst, no one really gets to see that bar Christiaan and I see two of my three brothers maybe once every few months? The youngest lives in South Africa so is completely sheltered from what’s going on with any of us to be honest. So I guess to my brothers I’m just a bit tired looking and clumsy on my feet with a hint of slurred speech? Who knows. Anyway, I cooked, it was good to see them but I was shit after. Really shit – so that’s why I didn’t write. I’m sorry, it’s not you, it’s most definitely me.

I tell you what though, I was shitting myself about today after a busy weekend but it’s been not too bad – one solo parenting day down, one to to go. I woke up feeling fucking awful so had to strike the balance between taking it really easy with Eli this morning, and entertaining him. So we went to buy a card at Sainbo’s for my friends birthday which in theory should have been a relatively peaceful event. My friend is 44 (I think?) and has a wee lad the same age as Eli, she is not a girly girl. We bought a card that said “Happy 4th Birthday Princess” with Princess Poppy and Cooper from the Trolls film on it because bollockchops turned full on emotional psycho on me when he unexpectedly  became VERY attached to it. I had picked up a fairly nice card for her already, but no,  Eli decided it HAD to be this monstrosity because he’d not give me the fucker back.  Seriously, he had a death grip on it and hit every octave in the scale when I tried to prize it out of his hands. I could have bought another card to go alongside it right enough, and sent them both but fucks sake, I’m not made of money! So, Claire, I’m sorry darlin, there’s a trolls card on it’s way to you because I’m weak and I needed the screaming to stop. Also he scribbled all over the fucking thing in crayon. It’s “art”. Happy Birthday.

We also ended up buying a book because I thought I might have been able to bribe him by taking the card back and offering a book instead. It backfired. That kid has pincer grip on both hands it turns out so we have a Trolls card and a fucking book. Also, some Hey Duggee pants which I picked up in the vain hope it’ll help him toilet train sometime soon… what was that? Gordon Brown dressed as Rainbow Brite dancing to Madonna’s Borderline? Aye, I thought that was more likely.

To be fair to Eli he has been a wee treasure all day apart from that very public hulk out. He’s been really happy to just go with the flow this morning and hasn’t whined half as much as normal so I treated him to a wee cake and a cup of warm milk at Costa. Which he didn’t eat or drink. Because he’s an arsehole.

I managed to enjoy my coffee though, and have one of the worlds tiniest muffins so I was on full speed to a happy weigh in day….surely? Coffee normally makes the old bowels do the conga, we announce a weighty arrival and I lose 750lbs in a day. Normally. So I tucked in, alongside my ONE slice of cheese on toast this morning I was living the life of rebellion and gave NONE of the fucks. I was knackered though, my bones are horrific today but at least my legs weren’t dragging behind me too much so I looked less like an OAP zombie…. silver lining and all that. We wen’t home after Eli declared “FINISHED” really loudly and swiped his tiny muffin to the floor – fair enough wee man, I might need a crap any moment now anyway so it’s probably a wise move, I’d have rather scoffed your tiny cake than see it on the floor mind.

So we packed his shit up and got in the car.  I finished the rest of my coffee while I was driving and I had a bit of a sad moment actually. See, I used to always drink Costa hazelnut latte’s; the work canteen has a Costa barista station and if I wasn’t in the office I was travelling and I’d normally always stop at the services for my latte. I think this must be the first time I’ve had a takeaway coffee and drank it while driving since I got poorly and I was surprised to be a bit sad by that. It was a flavoursome bastard but it was also a massive reminder of what life used to be like for me when I was capable of working and travelling and just getting shit done. It’s fucking horrible when you get an image of when you used to be able to do more, I don’t really look on it fondly – it’s more of a slap in the chops.  I gave myself a shake, but not because I manned up; it was because the wanker in front of me decided to slam on the brakes for reasons unknown and I was more focussed on not to killing us all by sending him into the neighbouring woods arse first. Emotion is best lived in short bursts anyway – it’s fucking exhausting otherwise.

We eventually got home alive and began the lunchtime routine and nap time wind down. There was home made soup obviously for tinytwat but I also tried to con him into eating cheese between two slices of toast. Cheese is his nemesis. He rumbled me. It ended in hysteria and cheese being flung. Who the fuck doesn’t like cheese on toast, and even if you don’t, would you fling it and cry? Why the fuck is that acceptable?  I swear he’s not mine.

Nap time went alright. I say alright, I had to sit in the fucking dark for 40 minutes while he wittered on telling me about all the cheese on toast he just ate – he’s a really convincing fucking liar! I love our nap time cuddles though, he makes me laugh with his chat and I’ll be gutted when he’s too old for it because he even though he lies about eating cheese on toast or running up a mountain with a dipsocosus (diplodocus)  it’s lovely to hear his wee imagination in full swing and he’s so cuddly and warm that it’s normally a massive challenge for me NOT to fall asleep with him. The only thing that stops me most of the time is that the weight of him on me kills me, he’s heavy as fuck – I’m sure the kids bones are filled with lead! Look though … worth it…. right?

That’s cuddly monkey he’s got by the way. If you’ve been reading for a wee while you’ll know we had a right time of it getting him off his muzzies – this is the only way it has happened; if he’s been allowed to take a toy to bed. Whatever wee man, as long as I don’t have to wash ninety million white muslins every week I’m happy.

So he slept for an hour and I chilled out and got ready for his wee pal visiting this afternoon. I think Jack might be Eli’s first actual friend and it’s really lovely to watch them actually playing, because up until very recently Eli just ignored other kids and they ignored him. Jack is different though; he’s not just a random wee boy, they go to nursery together, albeit not always at the same time on the same days but they get genuinely excited to see each other and today there was hugging and playing and chasing and laughing and pushing… because mine is a twat. On the whole though they did really well with each other and I had a good catch up with his mum Fiona, we get on great and there’s no pressure to be “switched on” which is great news for me. It was a lovely gentle afternoon and for once I didn’t feel too embarrassed about my speech or reactions because I was relatively clear, not crystal, but not obvious either. It worked and I was so grateful for the kids entertaining each other and playing nice. In fact it was the gift that keeps on giving because Eli keeps watching the videos and is currently giving me peace to write this… result.

I was still soooooo relieved when Christiaan finished work though, it may  have been an easier day than some but a walk in the park it was not. Oh how I would love to walk in the fucking park actually hah!

So back to that coffee and it’s turd charming ways. It failed, there was no turd, and in fact very little pee today so I wasn’t entirely surprised to get to fat club and find out I’d put half a pound on. Obviously it would have been better if I’d been eating some delicious food over the duration of the week and this was the physical receipt for it; I haven’t, I’ve been immaculate on plan, but like I’ve said before – that matters not one fucking bit with my body! It’ll come off next week and that’s the main thing; the numbers week by week, in some ways don’t really matter. It won’t put me off that cheese and leek bread that’s been in the freezer shouting my name since our visit to the farm shop…. I’m having it with some actual butter and some smoked cheese in a bit for tea; I’m not even sorry. Yes that is a personalised chopping board, our Dot got us it, I love it.

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The end

  • Highlights
    • Solo parenting day and it’s been manageable albeit an effort
    • Eli has been a wee treasure bar losing his shit over a troll card, and cheese and a tiny muffin
    • Lovely wee visit with one of his wee buddy’s and another planned for tomorrow afty which I’m looking forward to
    • I got us out!
  •  Lowlights
    • Acht, I’m sore. Really sore… again… almost time for pain relief though hooorayyyyyy
    • My friend has a stupid fucking card on its way.
    • Half a pound on is unexpected and unexplained…
  • What’s on the menu Mellars?
    • Breakfast – one slice of toast with a cheese slice on it. Rebel.
    • Lunch – negative, I didn’t really feel like any but I did have a handful of crisps and a bit cake
    • Dinner  – That amazing bread and some cheese… there’s a cheese theme going on obvs

Are you new round here?

If you’ve just stumbled across TryingToDoItAll and have no bastarding idea what’s going on you should probably go back and read a few blogs from the beginning. Don’t panic, I won’t ask you to read them all, but these few posts will help explain. Oh stop sighing, it’ll only take you a few minutes. Fucks sake.

  1. Well you’re here, so you may as well get comfy
  2. Can’t stop M.E. now…. ahmm having such a good time, ahmm tickling your balllssss!
  3. When are the grown ups coming?
  4. Major surgery…again?
  5. You’ve got to be kidding M.E.?

#mecfs #meawarenessuk #mewarrior #silentillness #swearymum

#ThisisME

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