Own goals, old friends and a bit of self pity

Wednesday the 30th of May 2018

It’s happening more and more isn’t it? Me, missing a day of writing… eeesht, I’m treating this hobby like a holiday camp, swinging in and out when I feel like it. When the going got tough, well, I fucked off didn’t I? Sorry, or you’re welcome, whichever fits best (I’m still 99% convinced that some of you read this because you feel like I’ve trapped you).

Nothing too terrible had happened, I’d just left it too late in the day to get started I think. There wasn’t a lot of empty space yesterday and when I did eventually get some quiet it was when Christiaan had finished work I was already waaaaayyyyyyy too sore and too tired to write anything that made any sense, I tried for ages but it was like trying to have a crap in a public loo; no matter how hard I strained and concentrated all I ended up with was stage fright and a few farts. I’m sure I’ve mentioned before, but just in case you’re a new reader;  I can’t write this all in one go, yes I know its only a handful of words but I need to chip away at it throughout day at the best of times, because I’m a precious flower who needs lots of mental breaks. Without the brain intervals it all goes to shit; I get fixated on a word like onomatopoeia, can’t remember what it means or whether I need cream for it, then I start typing jibberish akin to Hebrew; wee bit like Johnny5 having a breakdown I imagine.  Yesterday though, I didn’t get the chance to write anything throughout the day because it was the first time in about 3 weeks that I’d had Eli on my own for the entire day and it didn’t start well;  I’d woken up really sore but didn’t feel comfy taking anything for it because it clouds me at times and I need my wits about me when I’m dealing with a manipulative tiny dwarf, who’s sole purpose some days is to be an utter arsehole. So I  decided it was time just to keep my head down and get on with it, no point in doing anything other I guess – at least until 4ish when Christiaan finishes work. At that point he can take over and answer the same fucking question on a loop, or deal with the growling which seems to have appeared overnight and replaces some of the more emotional protestations to doing what he’s asked to do. I’ll rattle his arse if he doesn’t stop… and yes you can phone the social.

It was a bit of an own goal if I’m honest. I thought I’d planned the day so that Eli would be entertained and I’d be comfortable; a visit to my mum and dads in the morning and then an old work friend and her wee lad were coming round in the afternoon. On paper I was able to sit down, be comfortable and not push myself physically really, but the pace of the day was just too much for me and I turned into a right feeble fanny quite quickly.  I’d not accounted for the energy I would need to shower, get us dressed, get us fed, drive, generally deal with Eli and then be sociable…. what an absolute tit I am. I tried to plough through it but the culmination of being in pain all day, trying to be mentally switched on and then eventually being able to give in and take take pain relief meant I was pretty incoherent last night. Christiaan sent me to bed just before 9. I’m not sure if he thought I needed it, or if he just wanted rid, but I wasn’t arsed; I needed sleep as much as Dolly Parton needs the secret of eternal youth.

Today’s a new day but I’m still wiped out, albeit I can talk better now than I could last night but it never fails to amaze me how a very normal day for many can be like climbing a fucking mountain, wearing 6 inch heels in the dark for me.  It’s neither wonder people struggle to get their heads round it from the outside, if I wasn’t living it, I’m not sure I’d believe half of what goes on. I’ve mentioned before I get a bit antsy seeing people I’ve not seen since I’ve been ill, for this very reason, how do I even begin to explain it? I’d not seen this friend in probably about 6 years; in fact last time she saw me I was an entirely different person. I was still with the Trial Husband, I was healthy (well as healthy as someone carrying far too much beef can be) and I was sociable – really fucking sociable. I was out living life, laughing, being daft, travelling up and down the country to see friends all the time;  I was out spoken, gregarious, loud, sweary and brutal and although it’s all still there; it’s a far more diluted than it was.  So I was a bit nervous of her seeing me like this, and then I looked in the mirror – what exactly will she see? Nothing really to be honest. OK so I’ve not done my hair or put slap on but that’s hardly outlandish is it? I look like an unkempt version of my old self but not ill, because, well what the fuck does M.E. look like? Could you point “one of us” out in a crowd? I bet you couldn’t (it’s not a dare, don’t go out M.E. hunting will you). What physical markers would tell you that they were ill?  You’d know watching me walk somethings not quite right at the minute but you’d be forgiven for thinking I’d hurt my feet or something and when I’m not right in the depths of a crash I walk fairly normally, albeit not too far.  I’d actually be amazed if you’d guess it was because I was struggling to find the energy to physically lift my legs up – you’re more likely to think I’d shit myself.

As it was, the visit was fine – her wee lad is 4, Eli is 2.5 so they played away like kids do and distracted us from talking too much at all because they were live wires. We skirted over me being ill and that was enough because other parts of life are way more interesting than my weary willy story. We spoke about what she’d been up to, what I’d been up to, how life had landed us where we were – neither of us were in a very happy place last time we’d talked so it was nice to hear how it all panned out. It’s mad to to think how different things are for both of us now actually. I’d always said I’d never had kids, she always knew she would but neither the bloke nor the timings were right back then and here we both were; watching our kids destroy cakes, fight over toys and be wild. It was a nice way to spend an afternoon, I just wish I’d been on my game more.

Today’s been a far quieter affair Eli’s in nursery and I’ve not been able to do much bar sit/lie down and let my brain and body unfurl and relax a wee bit. I’ll not be moving until it’s time to go and get Eli and then after dinner I’ll be doing the same again.  There are no big plans for the rest of the week, no pressures and no need for me to be doing anything except a great big pile of fuck all and I think for once, I’m OK with that. I’ve got my telephone appointment with the doc tonight to discuss the plan going forward, which I suspect won’t take very long because there is no plan apart from blundering through every day but the realisation that yet again my sick note will be extended is shit. To think that when I went off two months ago I was convinced it was for just a week or so….. I guess it was good that I was so positive but it’s a harder fall to find out I’m worse now WITH the time off than I was back then when I was juggling everything.  I’m in no shape to be working, I know that, I mean what the fuck could I do when I can’t even cope with a trip to the hairdressers? It’s another delay on normal life though and I feel like I’m sat by the starting lines just waiting for things to get better; it’s taking waaaaay too long and it’s fucking soul destroying.

Fuck me… shall I put a bit of Radiohead on? Maybe Street Spirit? So that I can really bring the mood down? Where’s my violin? ENOUGH MELLARS.

Sorry, you can probably tell that I’m feeling a wee bit sorry for myself today, I’ll stop it now though, because there’s nothing fucking worse that going to the effort of reading my drivel only to find that I’m sucking every ounce of happiness out of you like a dementor. Just call me Sad Sack.

Holy shit, I just Google imaged Sad Sack thinking I would see a Raggydoll. Nope, here’s a picture of a sad ball sack. The internet really does have everything doesn’t it? sad sack

Just what you wanted to see innit? I’d not recommend going to the Sad Sack twitter feed which is where this image is linked to; it’s lame. I applaud the testicle art though; there’s not enough of that around.

The GOOD news is that we should be progressing with quite a wee bit of the house improvement stuff over the next few weeks. The skylight of doom in the hallway, which is going to fall in any time,  is in the final stages of being made so should be installed v soon, ceiling vag will be ripped down and replaced, the wrought iron outside on the gate and railings will be replaced AND our bedroom will FINALLY be getting redecorated. The bedroom has been waiting since waaaayyyyyyy before Christmas –  we’d noticed a damp patch on the wall across from the bed and had to take the wall paper off to investigate, which then lead to the wardrobes that were attached to the wall (but not fitted) being removed and a new row of mirrored wardrobes installed before we’d run out of funds and had to stop. So I’ve been sleeping in what feels like a barren cave for months now which, given how much time I spend up there has been horse shit. A lot of the pics I post of the view from the house are taken up there in the cave, because it’s the highest point in the house; it’s a stunning outlook and I still get a buzz about being able to sit in bed and watch boats go past but look at it….. what a fucking mess.

I didn’t plan on posting those pics on here by the way, otherwise the bed would be made and the clothes would be put away but… well… fuck it… I’m off sick from life innit.  Just concentrate on the view – that WAS taken for you lot because that’s how light it was when I crawled into bed last night. It was a cracking night mind.

The end

  • Highlights
    • I got passed my embarrassment and met with a friend I’d not seen in ages
    • I survived solo parenting yesterday, OK so it broke me, but lessons learned for next week. PUT IT IN A CAGE AND SPEND THE DAY DRINKING TEA INSTEAD
    • Eli let us all sleep until 7 this morning, typical when it was a nursery day and he had to leave at 7.40 mind
    • I’ve had a chance just to “be” today and I’m hoping that means tomorrow will be better
  • Lowlights
    • Jesus, if I start I might not stop so…. I’ll not
  • What’s on the menu Mellars?
    • Breakfast – Melon and yoghurt
    • Lunch – A tiny bit of pasta with a fucktonne of mushrooms and onions and some sweet chilli philadelphia
    • Dinner  – Sausage and bean casserole and wedges

Are you new round here?

If you’ve just stumbled across TryingToDoItAll and have no bastarding idea what’s going on you should probably go back and read a few blogs from the beginning. Don’t panic, I won’t ask you to read them all, but these few posts will help explain. Oh stop sighing, it’ll only take you a few minutes. Fucks sake.

  1. Well you’re here, so you may as well get comfy
  2. Can’t stop M.E. now…. ahmm having such a good time, ahmm tickling your balllssss!
  3. When are the grown ups coming?
  4. Major surgery…again?
  5. You’ve got to be kidding M.E.?

#mecfs #meawarenessuk #mewarrior #silentillness #swearymum



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