Thursday the 17th of May 2018
Apparently it’s only 10 degree’s out here today, but I’m calling bullshit on that because…. CLUB TROPICANA DRINKS ARE FREEEEEE (R.I.P George)….I HAVE TAKEN MY JUMPER OFF! Oh for fucks sake Don’t panic, I still have vest thing and my knocker shelf on – the boys are very much still in the barracks and contained. Phil and Grant have not made a public appearance. The funbags are snoozing etc. I mean, it’s not like it’s actually summer so there’s no point frightening Davie and Agnes for nowt is there? It is lovely and sunny though and because it’s so sheltered in the garden it feels a lot warmer than it actually is thanks to the completely still air; there literally is no breeze and I KNOW I keep going on about it, but after being indoors so much I’m so grateful to be outside enjoying the free vitamin D. It tastes fuck loads better than that bottled shit I’ve been necking, well it would if my rancid arsehole would behave itself… too much veg does not make for an ambient aroma. When I’m not farting it’s soooooooooooo quiet out here though and that can be both really lovely and really odd when you’ve got brain fog. See you’re never quite sure whether it’s quiet because it’s quiet or whether you’ve got brain lag and you’re just missing bits.
Yup it’s an actual thing with M.E. Apparently when your brain becomes overloaded it starts selecting which stimulus it’ll give the stage to – it does not tolerate more than one singer. It’s why being at work can be really hard for me (quick get the viofuckinglins, here I go again). The company I work for have employees all over the bloody place and embrace working from home for the most part, so I spend a huge part of my day on virtual conference calls either presenting, or being presented to. There are generally quite a few people talking, chipping in or typing in the chat box thingy (technical term). On day’s where the brain fog hasn’t kicked in quite as much (it’s always fucking there) then it can be tough but manageable and I’ve trained myself to try and zone out peripheral bullshit and focus on the main event. At the minute it’s near on impossible to do; I’m midst (hopefully I’m near the middle) crash and that means everything is a whole heap worse than it was 8 weeks ago. I’m not capable of listening or concentrating on more that one thing at all. I can’t watch anything with subtitles because A – they’ve always pissed me off, and B – I can’t read them and keep up with whats going on at the same time. Christian can’t even have the telly or any music on when I’m writing my blogs – the poor fucker just has to sit in silence or go in another room. If Eli is in a “Mummy, Mummy, Mummy” (repeat times a thousand) mood or is constantly singing it I can’t cope and it normally results in me shouting at him – which is a bit shit because he’s two and it’s the only time in his life he’ll be forgiven for being an annoying little tit. *Pause* You’re doing that thing again aren’t you? The thing that makes you try and relate THIS feeling back to something you’ve felt, whats it called…. empathy, that’s it… empathy. Kind of like “Fuck sake Sarah, we all lose our temper when they do that. Only last week I rattled little Persophone’s chops for….”. No, it’s not the same my darlin, that’s a normal “you’re doing my head in” kind of response, mine is “my brain is about to shit itself and I may need to go and sit in a dark room for a long time”. Also, what the fuck were you thinking calling her Persophone anyway? She’s going to have a hard enough time growing up with a fucking nose like Gonzo’s. Christiaan has learned to see it coming now by the way and often controls Eli before he accidentally makes Mummy hulk out – no need to phone the social…. also… don’t do the gentle parenting guilt trip on me, it’ll be wasted.
UPDATE: I’ve had to put my jumper back on. I got overly confident then the goosebumps arrived…. with a dose of hypothermia. I believe it is 10 degrees.
So yep I’m really behind myself today and sore… so another day of “resting” and pumping myself full of painkillers. It seems to be getting to me a bit more today for some reason, and I feel a bit bereft of purpose. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m spending a lot of time out in the garden actually, just trying to appreciate nature and shit. There’s not a lot to distract me and I guess it’s giving me brain space. I’m missing the camaraderie of being at work and it feels such a long way out of my reach still; I went off work 6 weeks ago and I’m technically worse than I was then. That’s fucking depressing aint it? There’s literally no positives in that at all. I can’t even say “aye well it may be taking a long time but at least thing’s are slowly getting there” – it feels like “things” haven’t even been dropped off at the train station to start their journey yet….they’re still fucking around looking under the bed for their other flip flop. So I’m stranded really. It’s out of my control and although I have fleeting moments of thinking “I feel like I could work”, it’s followed pretty quickly by a leather clad, strap on wearing version of M.E. who’s threatening to fuck me over if I even try.
I have been out today at least, I wanted to get a few bits from Sainsbo’s (next size down leggings – hoooorayyyyy for less fat) and it’s kind of on the way back from Eli’s nursery drop off so I got dressed and left the house with Eli and Christiaan first thing. Got the few bits we needed, went via B & Q (obvs) for a few more bedding plants and then came home. We were less than half an hour between the two shops and after coming home and planting out the final hanging basket, which took 10 mins, I’ve parked my arse and barely moved…. also, I’ve just realised that i’m a bit Cheetara today in the old hair stakes. I’ve bitten the bullet and made an appointment for next week to try and sort my hair out, it’s normally a good few hours so I hope I can manage but we’ll see how it goes. At least Eli’s not old enough to realise I look like a tramp but fuck me, the people in the shops would have… ah well.
See, I’m doing my Cheetara growl for you, with my jumper back on, and new massive sunglasses, just to mix it up a bit…. but, fear not, I’m still sat on my fucking arse. To be honest I should have sores on my arse from the amount of time I spend sat on it, but I guess having no energy has it’s benefits; I’m not rummaging through the treat cupboard and gorging on crisps and chocolate because it involves getting up! Last night I could have though, for reasons unknown I wanted to eat ALL THE THINGS. All of them. I wanted crisps more than anything else, probably more than world peace I reckon and I was so so tempted to either get some myself or ask Christiaan to fetch me some. I’ve no idea why and I didn’t give in; in fact I’m really strong willed when I want to be so actually 99% of the time being on a strict “diet” doesn’t really bother me – because I want to do it. The very moment I start thinking “I’m not that arsed to be fair” is the time I normally sabotage it and go and roll in Golden Wonder. That’s all it comes down to for me; I either want it and make it happen or I don’t. I can fabricate every reason under the sun for allowing myself to eat unhealthily, and I’d probably get away with a fair bit of it given my circumstances but what’s the point? Surely if there’s one part of life that I CAN control that will make me healthier overall I should? I’d have to be an utter cunt not to really. Yes it’s hard, but so is dragging 3 stone more up the stairs a few times a day and getting another couple of stone off me has GOT to make it easier… so I’ll do it, because…. I fucking hate stairs I do.
I also hate forgetting stuff, which is unfortunate because it happens all the time. Like today when I realised I should have been at the doctors yesterday to get my bloods taken for vitamin absorption analysis. You know, the thing that’s really important and could potentially help my pain levels. The thing I had been really excited about it because it COULD be progress? Forgotten. Clean out of my head. I could repeatedly kick myself in the face for forgetting, it’s just not who I am, and it also meant I had to phone and re-book; which meant explaining why I had forgotten and wasted a valuable appointment in the first place…. but this is what happens when you’re so far behind yourself you’ve got your shadow from 1983 following you. It’s humiliating and it’s so far removed from the organised, efficient me of even 18 months ago – I was the one who used to remember everything. Like that time when you pissed yourself and pretended it was lager stains. Just another dent in the armour…
You’ll be chuffed to hear that I’ve steered clear of the news today though – I reckon last night’s rant was probably enough for everyone to agree that a dose of reality does very little for me. So fuck that, I’m staying in my bubble today. Unless there’s some sort of terror attack close by I’m going to have no idea what the fuck is going on in the world today and to be honest, I’m alright with that. Not the terror attack bit, no, that shit makes me even angrier than the Royal Wedding does, so I’ll not even begin to open my brain on that one. You’d not thank me for it. I’d get you all up in arms and we’d need pitch forks and fire torches and before you know what was happening we’d be half way to Westminster to “show them who’s boss” about the whole sorry state of affairs.
I’m not sure there is an answer though you know? I know that some people feel really strongly that we’re in this mess because we allowed the country to become multi-cultural.. which I’m sorry, is utter fucking wanknuggets. I can totally understand why people need to find SOMETHING to blame, I get that completely because it seems so senseless to the majority, which I’m thankful for because the reality is terrorism is bred out of ignorance, power and greed – that’s it. You can dress it up as clashes in religious beliefs, as a war of morals, as reclaiming what was once “yours”, or as ethnicity “cleansing” (horrific) but isn’t it a MASSIVE coincidence that terrorism resides in every country, in every religion, and in every colour? People conveniently choose to forget what’s happened on their doorsteps; they think Muslim’s are at the centre of every act of terrorism. Aye right enough, that IRA was rife was Muslim’s if I remember correctly, fucking everywhere – Sinn Féin was riddled with them. Wake up for fucks sake. Extremism exists everywhere and if you are one of those that “want to send them back where they came from”, firstly: fuck off , and secondly, consider how much worse off we’d be without people who are from other countries and working their fucking arses off for “our country”; like doctors and nurses, or carers for instance. It’s all very well and good wanting to send the hard workers away because their face doesn’t fit, but first realise how fucked you’d be if you were relying solely on the “British” young to grow up and sort it all out – they’re too busy stabbing each other and fucking around with chemicals MATE.
I went there. For fucks sake. Why didn’t you stop me? Ah well too late now innit? I’ll just move on and we can pretend it didn’t happen…. again.
See, I’m better when I’m just whining about my health but I guess it’s good to make it topical, even if you don’t agree with the content. Just count yourself lucky that you can close the screen. If you were sat beside me you’d have to find a way to actually escape and that would be way more difficult.
I’ll get me coat….
- I got the final hanging basket sorted hoooorayyyyy
- Buggerlugs slept till gone six this morning again which was lovely. It was fuck all to do with the clock, he hadn’t registered that it had even changed *sigh*
- HE ATE MORE SAUSAGE! Which I know sounds like I’m outing Christiaan but I am in fact talking about the child.
- I just ranted again. I do it a lot to be fair.
- Not a great day again and its feeling a lot like Groundhog Day… except without that annoying twat and his jumper
- I’m stinking, actually stinking. I’ve had too much veg.
- What’s on the menu Mellars?
- Breakfast…. Overnight oats with raspberries…. EPIC
- Lunch – I had left over casserole from last night with some roasted butternut squash and onions
- Dinner – Chilli… oh how I love a good chilli but I’d made this one too hot so I also have the fear I’ll get ring sting. Lovely.
Are you new round here?
If you’ve just stumbled across TryingToDoItAll and have no bastarding idea what’s going on you should probably go back and read a few blogs from the beginning. Don’t panic, I won’t ask you to read them all, but these few posts will help explain. Oh stop sighing, it’ll only take you a few minutes. Fucks sake.
- Well you’re here, so you may as well get comfy
- Can’t stop M.E. now…. ahmm having such a good time, ahmm tickling your balllssss!
- When are the grown ups coming?
- Major surgery…again?
- You’ve got to be kidding M.E.?
#mecfs #meawarenessuk #mewarrior #silentillness #swearymum