Dance off dreams, Weddings and loads of rants

Wednesday the 16th of May 2018

I’ve started to write this three times already today and had to delete every draft because it was all over the place so I’ll warn you now; tonight’s blog is as fluid as a Kim Jog-un versus Donald Trump dance off. Which to be fair, I’d pay to see…. I think? Actually that could be the answer to all of our problems! Lads! Lads! Over here! Come on now,  forget the big guns and the “end of the world nuclear threats” maybe it can all be settled with a shell suit, a ghetto blaster and a bit of Run DMC ft Jason Nevins? Oh fuck me, I reckon I’m on to something! I mean they can’t look any less fucking leadery than they do at the minute can they? One has lego hair and the other one… well, I have no fucking idea what his hair is to be fair. It looks a lot like how I imagine old lady fanjo hair looks like; wispy with a bit of misguided attitude about being something it’s not.

I’m genuinely baffled by these two. It’s like watching two toddlers fight over a half chewed Chomp. They’re either going to become unlikely best friends and allies,  which along with Old Vladdy P would make them a truly fucking frighting trio, or they’ll keep fighting until it literally ends in war. How can two big man babies be in charge of whole countries? Who the fuck let that happen? Surely one of the grown ups will be along in a minute to give them a toy car each and tell them to pipe the fuck down or there’ll be no chocolate cake before bed? I won’t hedge my bets on that being old Terrahawk May right enough, we’ve fucked ourselves over with that one – it’s like watching Milhouse from the Simpsons try and run the country. To say that both America and the UK have “democracies” (I use that term sparingly as a Scot, because lets face it, our vote makes as much difference as a wet willy in a tsunami) we haven’t half fucked up the gafferdom of our countries have we? North Korea at least have an excuse because they don’t have a fucking choice, but we, well WE looked at both of these pints of lukewarm piss and the majority of us thought: “Oh aye, they look grand”. I’m not saying there were amazing alternatives by the way; I’d be the first to hold my hands up and say that the majority of candidates in both the US and UK elections were questionable but to be honest I would have rather we all just threw our hands up and said “Nah, I’m not voting for any of those fuckers. You go back and have another think of who else we can elect. We’ll just sit here with the cake and beer and wait for you to find new ones – tell us when you’re ready”. Imagine if the whole country bought into that? It would be incredible. I want a Barry O’B for the UK. I liked him. I’m not saying he was perfect but he wasn’t as mental as half of the world leaders in power and it looked, from over here at least, like he was trying to actually do some good, rather than line his own pockets or play fucking power games with a lego head. Barack, come on buddy, come live in the UK, we’ve got shittier weather but…. Morris Dancing. You’ll love it.

It’ll be interesting to see if this over hyped royal marriage will make any difference in the UK and American relations actually. Probably not, because Trump and May are absolute tits that don’t recognise the complexities in the opportunity they have at their hands,  but at the VERY least Harry should use this as a chance of introducing proper sausages into America. They just don’t do sausages properly over there do they? I’ve no idea what the fuck they think they’re doing but its not making a proper sausage I tell you that much. I was outraged when I went to Vegas – size is most definitely not everything  when you’re dealing with a foot long fake sausage. I didn’t enjoy Vegas at all to be fair, it was like Blackpool but with lots of Japanese, stranger accents, more hookers and better lights. It was too busy… I need a slower pace…. and less Elvis.

I’ll be honest, I’ll be chuffed when this wedding is over and done with. I’ve mentioned before that I kind of “nothing” the Royal Family, I don’t hate them or dislike them but I don’t get all the fucking hysteria about them either. I hope they both have a lovely day because that’s what your wedding day should be, but am I bitter that there’s a reported £32 million being spent? I’m not bitter no, I’m fucking livid.

Regardless of whether it’s the state or the crown paying, anyone with 32 million (give or take) sat at their finger tips ready for spending should feel ashamed that THEIR country is lacking in vital care and services.  How the fuck can we, as a unified society line the streets in support of spending more money that was allocated by the government to resolve homelessness in 2017? The irony being that many of the same homeless people they’re failing to help will probably be watching the processions, celebrations and festivities from the comfort of their cardboard shop door fucking bed. Or worse, they’ll be moved on because, well, it’s unsightly isn’t it? It’s wrong. It’s all fucking wrong. I understand it will bring a boost to the economy and blah blah fucking blah and that’s all well and good innit because our government are renowned for spending money in all the right places….. the food banks are just for effect.


I don’t want to shit all over your festivities, if you’re doing something special to celebrate a national treasure’s day you should do it, and enjoy it. That’s not what gets me here, what gets me here is that we either have the crown, or the state with extraordinary wealth who are turning a blind eye to social issues in favour of their own vanity. Enjoy it, but see it for what it is.

Now I did warn you it might be like this – THIS is why I try and limit myself to reading the news only a couple of times a week, I hulk out at the injustice and ridiculousness of the society we live in. If God does exist, when he comes back with Bob Marley and Mini Me Verne Troyer he’s going to be so fucked off with us all when he realises we’ve absolutely trashed humanity, the environment and his bombed his house – I’d be livid if I were him.

It’s just as well I’m trapped in this wee bubble aint it? Imagine if I was actually living out there with you lot at the minute? I’d be punching granny’s and swearing at kittens all over the place, luckily I’m a sofa activist with very little stamina, so I get angry and swear a lot and then have 40 winks because it’s drained me. A bit like Father Jack to be honest. Only with less cold sores and more hair…. and less religion.

ANYWAY, enough of my ranting… I’ve had a fairly dull day if I’m honest, pottering about mainly with a wee jaunt out for entertainment purposes this morning. It’s been a stunning day here, colder than the last few but I wasn’t that arsed –  it’s just nice to be able to spend a bit of time in the sunshine, even if I did have to wear many layers and hold a hot drink to enjoy it. The morning got off to a fine enough start, the wee man woke up just before 6 and for the first fucking time saw the Gro Fuck Yourself clock change from the stars to the sunshine… you’d have thought Santa was in his room. He finally understood (I think) what we’d been going on about these last few weeks. So he got up quite happy, and we had a play and chat until it was time for him to go off to nursery. I managed to shower HOORAAYYYYY and was sat outside when Christiaan came back from dropping him off. I’m chuffed he arrived when he did to be fair because, as you may have seen on the Facebook page I was feeling a bit intimidated by a blow up cow and a seagulls arse. I’m sure we’ve all been there. We had our brekkie in the garden then had a cracking drive along the road….

It really is a stunning place to live you know but I don’t want to paint it out to be picturesque everywhere, because that would just be bullshit; there are a lot of really sad looking bits to both this village and lots of the towns surrounding it. A combination of dying industry, decreased high street trade and leftover economic devastation from the mines closing mean that there are a lot of empty shops and industrial buildings and some pretty ugly sights BUT people choose to come here on holiday, because of these views and obviously the amazing locals. I’m grateful they do keep coming back because it’s pumping money into our local businesses and that’s really important… but fuck me you can see some sights.  You can drive past the caravan site any weekend in the year and there’s generally always someone there “for a break” including a big hairy topless man, who only last week was stood out of his awning in very small shorts. As he bent down to get something from inside the tent think I could see the majority of his hairy arse. Thankfully his shorts just about covered the tunnel entrance or I might have got a shadow shot of the ganglies n all. IT’S A MAIN FUCKING ROAD FOR FUCKS SAKE. I’m all for being body proud and not fat shaming anyone but I never ever want to see up someones actual arsehole. It’s not a visitor attraction that would have me awarding 5 stars. Not even hairy stars.

Like I say, I’m grateful but I’d not come here on holiday…. if I could, I’d take us off on a cruise or to Lake Garda or the like. Although to be honest, I get fucked off with being on holiday after a few days because I bore myself to tears. I’m not one to go out and about seeing the sights, primarily because I’m ignorant to culture I think. Not deliberately mind, I don’t refuse to try new things; I just don’t pay attention, or learn enough to be interested. One day it’ll all click into place and I’ll want to go and see beautiful buildings and hear about the ancient carvings on the pissing wall, but for now… I want nice food, nice weather and nice views – that’s it. Oh and a swimming pool, but a warm one, not one that makes my nipples try and escape through my scalp.

Holidays always start off the same for me; day 1 &2 I’m all in love with the place, telling myself “this is the life” then on day 3 or 4 I start missing my own bed, and the telly. Day 5 see’s me getting fucked off with putting sun tan cream on and then having to take the bastard stuff off again at tea time. Day 6 and I’m pissed off there’s no Golden Wonder crisps, these fucking Lays are horseshit and Day 7…. the day of travel is like the boil on my arse cheek – I JUST WANT TO BE HOME. This is why I’m a home bird… as well as the fact I have M.E. obvs.

I do have great plans for us all when I’m even a bit better though, I want to go and visit my friend Jen in that Norway. They had a big celebration today for Constitution Day and apparently no fucker cooks so people mostly eat hot dogs and ice cream! I’m all over that shit like a rash. So Norway at some point, then I’d like to go to Italy because I’ve never been and I like pizza and pasta, and then New York for reasons I don’t really understand because I hate busy places and shopping – but I feel I need to go and check it out. Maybe one day eh?

For now I’ll just make do with B & Q 😉


The end

  • Highlights
    • A kind of uplifting sunny day
    • The wee man had a cracking day at nursery, no nap which means he’s flaked out early in bed
    • Eli actually ate 2 potato wedges and half a Heck chicken sausage today… this is progress!
  • Lowlights
    • You’ve probably guessed by how all over the place the blog is, but I’m not in a good place today. Brain fog has me in its grips….
  • What’s on the menu Mellars?
    • Breakfast…. A slice of wholemeal toast with boiled egg
    • Lunch – negative, I was still full from brekkie
    • Dinner – Heck Sausage & Pepperonata casserole thing, wedges and a side order of mushrooms and onions to bulk out my veg

Are you new round here?

If you’ve just stumbled across TryingToDoItAll and have no bastarding idea what’s going on you should probably go back and read a few blogs from the beginning. Don’t panic, I won’t ask you to read them all, but these few posts will help explain. Oh stop sighing, it’ll only take you a few minutes. Fucks sake.

  1. Well you’re here, so you may as well get comfy
  2. Can’t stop M.E. now…. ahmm having such a good time, ahmm tickling your balllssss!
  3. When are the grown ups coming?
  4. Major surgery…again?
  5. You’ve got to be kidding M.E.?

#mecfs #meawarenessuk #mewarrior #silentillness #swearymum



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