Vlogging, more of the same and cat shit

Tuesday the 15th of May 2018

I DID VLOGGING! ME! I never thought I’d see the day! Actually if you’re reading this anywhere other then directly from the Facebook page you’ll never see the day either because that’s where it is. If you’re interested in hearing a one and a half minute brain shart from yours truly, looking like I’m a scruff then you can flick over to the Facebook page by CLICKING HERE (I wrote that instead of embedding a hyperlink because as one of more “mature” readers pointed out, not everyone is technically savvy). It was odd mind, talking to myself in the garden, to be fair it would be odd anywhere. Not just the normal mutterings about “those fuckers” always leaving their shit around, but an actual one way conversation, with no reciprocation or faces to look at. I tell you what though, I’ve never, ever noticed that my tongue appears to be too big for my mouth, or my teeth to small for my tongue, whatever, but I have a wee bit of a lisp…. how the fuck did I get to 37 and not know that? I’m sure if my mum followed this blog she’d be telling me off for going out to the masses looking like that; unwashed, unkempt and sweary but there’s no point in being real with you in every other aspect of my life and then presenting a pristine very unreal version of me is there? I’d feel really fucking dishonest, like I was lying because the reality is, I look like that a lot at the minute. Bags under my eyes, captain caveman hair and not a scrap of makeup – its a far cry from MY normal but I’ll get back to whatever that is in time.

Who can blame me when I have a child who gets up earlier than the dawn chorus most mornings? Yup Eli was up at the back of five again. There seems to be no rhyme nor reason as to why he can sleep later on some days and not on others but he always wakes up whining, moaning or crying which can’t be the best way to start your day. I’d much prefer if he woke up at that time and was happily singing or playing but the crying always gets me.  I had planned to try and get more sleep but that fucking shitey pizza from last night is still pissing me off today; only now it’s the cheap Tesco chorizo that has given me epic heartburn. As a result I needed to get up and get something else in my belly other than bucket loads of acid. The meal that keeps on giving.  The morning was fairly laid back even though Eli was going at 100mph, he’d been asking to go to the park yesterday so Christiaan decided that’s what they’d be doing this morning. I’d not be going anywhere because although the last two days have been low impact, almost sloth like, I’ve woken up today feeling all kinds of rotten. Just the usual shit in terms of “what’s wrong?” so I’ll not go on about it, but it’s odd how no two days are the identical; the symptoms rarely change right enough but the intensity definitely does and I’ve no fucking idea why. Technically I should have had an epic crash on Sunday because Saturday was a bit busier than I have been the last few weeks – but I didn’t crash, and today I should be feeling at the lower end of the bad scale because I’ve done nowt the last two days and I feel worse that I have for days. It’s nonsense. Anyway, I promised I wouldn’t go on, and I won’t. Sooooo I had my cuppa outside this morning, whilst vlogging don’t you know, and listening to the birds and bee’s (not shagging, just actual nature) and Christiaan took laddo to the park. Was I jealous? Absofuckinglutely, but as the main man Tony Soprano would say “whatcha gonna do, huh?” nowt for it sometimes but just to hunker down and wait for the storm to pass. Christiaan knows me well though and made sure he took loads of pics, so that I can look at them before bed time tonight and also so I can share with you crowd, because, you know, you’ve not seen enough Eli walking round this fucking park to last you a life time. Suck it up.



I tell you what, for those that don’t know me (vastly outweighing those that do now!) you’ll at least be able to picture this park, my back garden and my front room in your sleep. I could mix it up with pics of B & Q at some point…. but I won’t. You’ll just need to see the world through my eyes for a wee bit – minus the big stupid sunglasses. There was a bit of excitement this morning though! While I was sat with the wombfruit apparently reading on the sofa, firstly he twatted me with the book at pretty much the exact time I tried to take a nice photo and secondly one of the bigger cruise liners went past. This means that in a few days time the Forth will be lit up by party lights and a huge telly after it departs again with it’s passengers…. If I’m awake I’ll try and film it because it’s mental but for now, here:



The rest of the day was incredibly uneventful, we pottered around in the garden until the middle of winter arrived, the temperature dropped by 10 degrees and the wind arrived. How fucking rude. Even with my fleece and blanket on I was freezing so I gave up and came indoors. It was nice while it lasted though, and Bonnie seemed to enjoy the sand pit if nowt else – I’m just relieved she didn’t take a shit in it. It would have been ironic right enough, because this cat refuses to shit in or on anything that isn’t a bare floor board. I have no idea whats got into her but it started when I went into hospital to have Eli – if she’s STILL fucked off about me leaving her and there being a baby in the house she wants to get a grip, animals shouldn’t hold grudges that long and anyway, she loves Eli; she’s forever trying to be around him. I think she gets a kick out of us, well mostly Christiaan, picking up her shit to be honest. We have had her vet checked by the way before you get all wound up about it being a health issue, it’s not; hundreds of pounds worth of visits and tests have told us what we already knew; there’s nowt wrong with her except she’s a furry twat.


So tomorrow is nursery day for the wee man and it can’t come soon enough for him or for us. He asked if he was going to play with his friends this morning and looked visibly disappointed when I said it was another day with us instead. Charming innit? I didn’t think my child would bore of me after only two and a half years but it would seem that I’m not as good company as a bunch of tiny angry midgets who shit themselves and fight over the same toy. One day my boy, I will remind you that it was I, your loving sweary mother, that scraped the shite from round your scrotum until you were old enough to sort it out yourself and I shall DEMAND you take me out for cream teas and the like to say thank you; we WILL bond. You WILL enjoy it. I might even let Christiaan come too.

I know I could say that we send Eli to nursery to broaden his social spectrum, and I know it does,  but it would be utter bullshit to say that was the main reason. We send him because we need to work, and when we’re not working (i.e. now) we send him because we need a break and it’s already paid for. I am in constant awe of stay at home parents; you are a breed who hold more patience, resilience and selflessness than I do. I always think of my Dad at this points because, fun factoid for you; the marvellous lady I call my Mum is the woman who has raised me since age eight and a half. My biological Mum kind of fucked off to be honest. She wasn’t happy in her marriage, had an affair and decided that my brother and I weren’t really on the radar in terms of importance. She kept in touch sporadically at best for six months maybe, until at age 9 I wrote her a letter that said she should pretty much beat it….. and she did. She didn’t fight to change my  mind, she cut my brother and I off, took her freedom and went fuck knows where with it. My Dad stepped up and made sure we were fed and watered and life continued; it wasn’t really the done thing for the woman to leave the man to it but he had no choice. He had to be everything until he met my, now, Mum who opened her heart and let us in. She had two boys already and they raised the four of us as siblings. I’m not saying it’s always harmonious but it is always like every other fucking family out there. We fall out, we make up and we laugh; we’re a cracking example of a blended family.

My biological Mum died a few years back now. I’d love to say that her family told me, but they were as shite as she was at keeping involved… no…she made a halfhearted effort to get in touch. I know the charitable thing to do would have been to go running but to be honest, and I know it sounds brutal – I owed her fuck all so I told her to do one. I don’t regret it but I know a lot of people might, you see it on telly all the time don’t you? People being called to a relatives death bed and forgiveness being handed out all over the place like cups of tea, but that’s not for me.  I’m not angry, I just knew I stood to gain absolutely nothing by opening old wounds; the only person that stood to gain something was her. It was the last selfish act in her opera and I was fucked if I was going to be there to be her adoring audience. I didn’t go to the funeral, in fact, I wasn’t invited so, there’s the full stop in the story right there innit? The way I see it, my mum is my mum, she’s the one I’m in contact with most days and the one Eli calls Granny. She’s the one that stuck around and technically she’s had me longer than my biological mum ever did….. pity for her 😉

Before I met Christiaan I wouldn’t allow myself to be a Mum. I was married before but I knew I was with the wrong bloke, and was really frightened I’d end up leaving like mine did so I spent almost 10 years actively avoiding getting pregnant. With Christiaan I knew pretty instantly that he was the right man for me, and now looking at Eli, even on the hardest days I could never leave. I’d never want to miss that wee boys life… but… OH MY FUCKING GOD DO I LOVE IT WHEN HE GOES TO NURSERY.

Hopefully tomorrow brings with it an incredibly relaxing day for Christiaan and I and an utterly joy filled day for the wee man.

The end

  • Highlights
    • A cracking morning before THE COLD arrived
    • The wee man behaved at the park for Christiaan and it seems like they had a really nice walk
  • Lowlights
    • M.E. is being a fucker today
    • I didn’t make it to the park this morning
    • Winter appears to have come back
  • What’s on the menu Mellars?
    • A yoghurt
    • Lunch – Some roasted butternut squash & onion with some left over bean casserole from the freezer. I’m going to be farty McFartFace later
    • Dinner – Gong Bao Chicken, a new recipe! It had chilli and ginger and garlic in it, took minutes to throw together and was really tasty.

Are you new round here?

If you’ve just stumbled across TryingToDoItAll and have no bastarding idea what’s going on you should probably go back and read a few blogs from the beginning. Don’t panic, I won’t ask you to read them all, but these few posts will help explain. Oh stop sighing, it’ll only take you a few minutes. Fucks sake.

  1. Well you’re here, so you may as well get comfy
  2. Can’t stop M.E. now…. ahmm having such a good time, ahmm tickling your balllssss!
  3. When are the grown ups coming?
  4. Major surgery…again?
  5. You’ve got to be kidding M.E.?

#mecfs #meawarenessuk #mewarrior #silentillness #swearymum


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