Sunday the 13th of May 2018
Sooooo, yesterday eh? What a fucking carry on that was, what with me being all up my own arse with my temper and everything. As I predicted the rest of the evening was pretty horrific for me and I ended up falling into bed shortly after I posted. I’m pretty sure I resembled someone who’d been on a 7 day party extravaganza (under utilised word is extravaganza… it’s even a right laugh to type; especially with brain fog). I could barely speak and I only just managed to get my head on the pillow before I passed out so I’m really sorry for those that messaged me after the blog went live – I genuinely couldn’t have replied any sooner than this morning. I didn’t even get to marvel in my fresh bedding until this morning when it was tinged by a hint of eau de fart-ette (blame my diet, I eat a fucktonne of veg).
Eli must have known I was knackered though because he slept till 6.30 again. I should think so n all after he pulled an all dayer yesterday… just like today, but we’ll come back to that. Now I’m not going to lie, I felt fucking awful when I woke up but, you know what, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Christiaan had ordered me to stay in bed, sweetly whispering that “you’re doing fuck all today lady” but I really needed to get up and get painkillers and a drink and I do love a morning with my boys. After half an hour or so I was able to get my shit together and get out of bed, come down stairs and agree with him, that today I really was doing: nothing . No hardship really because it was pissing down and Christiaan was feeling pretty shitty with his ear infection; it’s taking a lot longer than I’d like for it to clear (and for him too I would guess) and I’m pretty sure it’s because he’s wired and exhausted; another reason I suggested that not only should I do fuck all, we all should just stay cosy this morning. So we did. My morning consisted of cosying in on the sofa with the cats and my blanket with brief visits from Eli and Christiaan in between building Brio and reading books.
We stayed in our jammas until lunchtime, also now known as the nap hokey kokey. After coaxing Eli to eat half a jam sandwich and a bowl of soup I attempted to get him down for a sleep. I think he’s beginning to question the need for a wee snooze in the day time though; we’re only really managing to get him down for a sleep about 50% of the time and he’s the same at nursery. The wee bugger doesn’t know he’s got life made yet; someone else to clear up his actual shite, feed him, clothe him, bathe him, pay for all his shit annnnnnnnnd he has the luxury of a fuck tonne of sleep for very little work. Life goals for me.
After about an hour and a half of trying to get him to sleep we gave up and I brought him downstairs to get dressed for the day. Christiaan had decided that despite feeling ropey he wanted to build the rest of the garden furniture; he’d managed to get about half way through last night and he didn’t think there was more than an hour left in it so wanted to crack on. So Eli and I played around him – it was another sunny afternoon here after the shitty start to the morning, not too warm, I reckon maybe 16/17 but enough that we could get the water table all set up and bring out the swing that he’s not been on since last year. Which of course now he’s too fucking big for. I swear that he grows at all the wrong times just to piss me off – this swing was supposed to do him a good bit longer but no matter how high up I tied the ropes his feet touched the floor. I feel mugged.
And then, oh my fucking days THEN the garden furniture was ready for my big fat lardy arse. I tell you what, I was worried it would be rickety because it was middle of the road in terms of price but it’s…. well its fucking marvellous really. Incredibly comfy, it feels sturdy and it really is waterproof; we had a live demo when bollockchops tipped his water all over it and it just pooled before I brushed it off. That was me, I was made – I didn’t move for the rest of the afternoon, and Christiaan and I were able for the first time since we moved into this house 4 years ago to sit out and actually enjoy the garden. Eli was pottering back and forward playing with his toys, the cats were rolling around in seagull shit and ants and I was sat in my fleece hoody letting the sun warm my bones. It was glorious. I kept worrying that Eli would be cold, we’d started off with his usual two layers because I project and think he must be cold but Christiaan reminded me that my internal thermometer resembled that of a cock in a loch; it’s never going to feel warm enough for me. Just look though;
Getting there aint it? Well I say getting there, it had better have arrived to be fair because I’m doing no more. We’re waiting on the garden rug thing arriving (hopefully next week) to brighten up the shitty slabs (which really need replacing) but I reckon it’ll cheer the colour up a bit if nowt else. All of those pots, whether they’re on the ground, on the wall, or on the fence have been planted by me over the last few weeks and I tell you what, it might be an afternoon’s work for a normalton but I’m proud I’ve managed to do something SO positive when I’ve been feeling SO incredibly shitty.
Tiny victories really make a huge difference you know. Today I’ve been pumped full of heavy duty painkillers, not managed to shower and been on my arse a lot, BUT I am not in bed. I CAN talk (kind of, words are a bit muddled) and I’ve been able to sit in a space that I put a lot of hard work into. How fucking awesome is that? I tell you what, if it was you lot sending positive vibes into the universe last night that has meant today wasn’t as bad as I feared it would be THANK YOU and thank you to you Christiaan you glorious human being. You shouldn’t have been working on the furniture when you’re poorly but I am so so grateful you did because our afternoon has been lovely and chilled for both of us.
I know I gush about Christiaan a lot, but honestly, he deserves it. He took Eli out yesterday morning and I thought they were just going shopping…. until… he walked in with an Indian Head Massage voucher for me. It’s the one form of massage I can cope with at the moment, legs, arms, back etc are a no go and even on a good day I’d knock you out if you tried to touch my feet, but a head massage is right up my street. Or it will be when I can get my nerves to calm down on my scalp – hopefully in the next few weeks. How many women can say they’re spoiled like that? Without having to drop massive hints? How many blokes would make sure their wife had fresh flowers to look at every week because she wasn’t well enough to get out? Not many, I know that as sure as I know that the sun will rise tomorrow. I can’t even say it’s young love speaking, we’ve been together 6 years in July – it’s just all true, there are no rose tinted glasses. I adore him. I was in a really unhappy relationship for 10 years with my ex-husband. I left and was on my own for about a year and a half before getting together with Christiaan. The relationship wasn’t anything sinister, it was just… well empty I guess. I couldn’t believe it when Christiaan and I got together and it felt so different; what the fuck had I been living life with the wrong bloke for when THIS was out there? Then I realised, he’s a bit special our Christiaan and I’d not have found another, so actually, the timing is perfect because any sooner and he’d still have been with his ex n all! That would have been complicated! Love you gorgeouschops x
I’ll stop being a gushy cow in a minute (I’m making my own tits itch, so I imagine you’re ready to rip yours off), but if you’re in a relationship and you’re not happy, and you’re not ever likely to be – get out if you can. Life is 100 times better on your own than living with someone who makes you miserable…. if you’re lucky enough to meet a Christiaan then you’ve won a watch.
I said to my mum this morning via WhatsApp that I might not have my health but at least my heart is happy and although that may make you sick in your mouth a bit it’s true, so, fuck you. Also, it pays to remember that sort of shit when everything else seems like a big bag of camel cock. I was sat watching a cruise ship come in and dock at Leith this morning, it’s the start of the season and I let my mind wander for a minute to what it would be like to pack the three of us up and go on holiday for a bit.Just to escape. It’s not something that’s within reach at the minute but it will be once I get out of this dip and I’ve always wanted to try a cruise. I dunno why. Technically I should hate it. I have a fear of open water and a child who likes to try and jump into the fucking stuff at every turning. I’m not great at feeling claustrophobic, and I don’t own posh clothes but there’s a draw to it I cannot explain. I think it’s a freedom thing. Being able to go to sleep and wake up in an entirely different place, with different air and for it not being a struggle physically dealing with planes and cars and luggage sounds like heaven, actual heaven for me at the minute. The downside is of course, drowning to death, but you know, every holiday has it’s negatives. Here’s the boat in question along with the biggest sky I can remember in a while; I know that’s a mad thing to say but there are times when I look out of our windows and it just seems bigger than it did before. I love it here but I genuinely hope that cruise ship is picking people up rather than dropping them off… I’m not sure I’d be right happy with a trip to Edinburgh for my holidays.
So today I’ve escaped the worst case scenario – being trapped in bed, and I know this blog sounds all happy clappy… and it is to a certain extent but I’d be really dishonest and doing all M.E warriors a disservice if I let you leave thinking I was feeling well. I’m not. I’m in a lot of pain, I’m exhausted mentally and today has ONLY been as drama free as it has because I’ve done literally nothing all day. Not in a relaxing slobbing out Sunday kind of way, but in a “I will physically struggle to find the strength to do that” kind of way and although I’m miles away from where I was yesterday in terms of feeling angry I do still feel let down that there is no care or support for people with my condition. The ONE specialist nurse in Scotland (who I have been waiting since September to see) quite rightly pointed out that there are more pandas in Scotland than specialist nurses. That’s not right is it? I don’t even fucking like pandas, egotistical fucking bears. M.E Action Scotland don’t think it’s right either, not the panda thing, the lack of care and support thing. They’ve started a petition to hopefully put in front of the Scottish government to debate the support for people with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (fucking hate typing that, I nearly always fuck it up). I know you might all think it’s “just” a wanky petition but did you know that if it can reach 100,000 signatures a petition will be debated in parliament? Doesn’t seem so wanky when you put it like that really because it MIGHT actually mean something happens. So if you think you’d like to sign it, or know others who would too then please take the 37 seconds it’ll take to register your details. You can sign the petition regardless of where you live in the UK, it’s not just a Scottish thing. SIGN THE PETITION BY CLICKING THIS LINK
In the meantime I’m off to get my bra off, jammas on and probably go and sit outside again for 10 minutes. Because I’m a show off.
- Fairly obvious I suspect but I’m not as bad as I thought I would be
- Christiaan is a fucking beaut
- I’m enjoying the garden so much more already
- The sun shone all afternoon
- Eli dodged his nap again which mean he was a bit of an arsehole this afternoon
- Although not AS bad, I’m a million miles away from being OK
- Christiaan still isn’t well really
- What’s on the menu Mellars
- Breakfast…. well I treated myself to scrambled egg on a slice of wholemeal toast.
- Lunch – negative, I was still full from brekkie
- Dinner – Left overs tonight so I had the remaining pork mince from Friday and had a burger (get in!) Christiaan had the curry from last night and Eli… well he always just has fucking pasta, he ignored the salad on his plate.
Are you new round here?
If you’ve just stumbled across TryingToDoItAll and have no bastarding idea what’s going on you should probably go back and read a few blogs from the beginning. Don’t panic, I won’t ask you to read them all, but these few posts will help explain. Oh stop sighing, it’ll only take you a few minutes. Fucks sake.
- Well you’re here, so you may as well get comfy
- Can’t stop M.E. now…. ahmm having such a good time, ahmm tickling your balllssss!
- When are the grown ups coming?
- Major surgery…again?
- You’ve got to be kidding M.E.?
#mecfs #meawarenessuk #mewarrior #silentillness #swearymum