Friday the 11th of May 2018
Ahhh so you came back then? Again? Good for you – sit down and get comfy. I’m surprised you came back but well done, you’ve made it to day 5 of M.E. Awareness week and we’re almost at the orgasm point; the peak. Tomorrow the Millions Missing campaign becomes so much more visible, there may even be one local to you; check it out by clicking here. If you’ve no idea what I’m talking about have a read back to the blogs from yesterday, Wednesday and Tuesday. Am I going to be forcing more fun I AM ILL factoids down your throat? No, and you’ll probably understand why as we go on; there’s only so much serious shit you can cope with on a Friday night… I know.
I often wonder what people are up to when they’re reading this, I know Vicky will be having a bath or a shit; she’s told me as much but I hope the rest of you are sat with a glass of something nice and a few wee nibbly treats. I hope you manage to read this in the advert breaks of your favourite programme and above all else, I hope you’ve got your bra off and your jammies on, yes oh penis’d ones, even you. If you’re reading this in the morning, put the glass down and get dressed you lazy wino.
It’s mad how natural this is beginning to feel; sitting down with my laptop each day thinking I’ve absolutely no idea what to write, and then getting starting and finding I’ve maybe got TOO much to say and that I need to rein it back in again for fear of sounding too preachy or up my own arse. I’ve mentioned before that this blog is a huge release for me, in loads of different ways actually. It gives me somewhere to mentally file my day, to read back on, to rant about the bits that are shit and remember the really positive bits too; it’s become a really important part of wading through everything that’s going on, or not going on as it were and not letting it pull me down. I know some of my old team are reading this; you’ll recognise the format I reckon – it’s what I used to ask you guys to write to me every week (minus the objective work obvs).
Without meaning to sound like a soppy mare I love having somewhere I can rant, joke, reflect and reach people who are maybe going through a tough time too. Some of the most valuable banter I have is after the blog goes live on a night and I hear from you lot, either via public or private messages on WordPress, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest or on the Facebook page. I love hearing that people are enjoying reading the posts obviously, but I also love hearing the stories attached to your lives too. I get to chat with people that without the blog, and it’s community I wouldn’t normally cross paths with, including other M.E. warriors. I get to understand what they’re juggling or trying to work through, how they’ve got where they are and often I get to offer support or advice when I’m invited to. For me that’s a really positive communal use of social media; it’s more than just me talking at you, because that would be dull and egotistical on my part, it’s all of us breaking down barriers and being more accessible to each other. LIKE A BIG FUCKING HIPPY COMMUNE!
As you can imagine it could be a wee bit lonely being confined to a house most days if I didn’t have Christiaan or set goals for the day. I can see all too easily how people become isolated or withdrawn from society and it really makes me sad, because it shouldn’t be that way. I guess that’s why the Millions Missing campaign is so important, it’s a tangible sobering view of a how many individuals aren’t able to rub shoulders with you in Sainsbo’s or share a joke in the queue for the cash point (why is there always a fucking queue anyway?). That’s only one of the millions of reasons that someone isn’t part of society though, M.E. is a cruel mistress no doubt but imagine if you were to go through each debilitating illness, or each individuals personal circumstance? I bet the sheer number of people who feel isolated across every spectrum would be mind blowing – because isolation doesn’t just mean confined to a house; it means being unable to interact with society in a way that means something to you.
I guess isolation is on my mind quite a bit today and the reason I’m a bit more subdued than normal. Our local community have had a reminder of the devastation that isolation and illness can cause with the discovery of Scott Hutchison’s body last night. Scott was the lead singer of a Scottish band called Frightened Rabbit , he went missing in the early hours of Wednesday morning from a nearby hotel after posting a few tweets that were out of character and it looks like he took his own life shortly after. He was literally a few miles away from where I’m sat now and I think I speak for the local masses when I say it’s horrible to think that he was so close by and we didn’t know he needed help. Like most counties, there are so many local instances of suicide that it’s creating a heartbreaking dent in our society. I feel it in and around Fife every time I hear of someone else who has taken their own life – so many young people, family friends or friends family with their whole lives ahead of them ending their journey so suddenly and some without any apparent reason. Our local charity the Curly Star Dream Foundation is run by a collective of individuals who have all had direct experience with suicide; including my good friend Dot. They do the most amazing work supporting friends and family after bereavement; essential when you think of the devastation left by death in any normal tragic circumstances but paramount for those who have to also deal with that the burden of knowing that death was the outcome of that person’s choosing. It’s heartbreaking for the person who feels it’s their only way out and for the family, friends and loved ones they leave behind; it’s something that exists in every community, in every corner and every class of life.
I can’t imagine how it feels to think that life isn’t worth your shadow; if you can imagine, if it’s your reality, if you need to talk – I’m only a click away and so are many organisations like The Samaritans. Please never feel like you have no one; someone is always interested, I promise you. If you’re one of the lucky ones, like me, who can’t imagine what it’s like to feel so desperate, reach out and tell people you’re there, you’re ready to listen and you care. It may change nothing or it may change everything but its got to be worth trying.
Now I know what you’re thinking: “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck it’s got really heavy all of a sudden. How is she going to pull back from this?” Well I tell you how I’m going to.
There – just like that we’re back in the room because hallelujah, praise baby cheeses I HAVE CRAPPED FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OVER A WEEK. Much to Christiaan’s relief, I may add. Just a wee one so its clearly just the hors d’oeuvres because after 8 days of no movement there should be more than what’s escaped so far – the tip of the iceberg so to speak. It’s humoured me how worried Christiaan’s been about the whole thing mind. He’s asked me two or three times a day if there was any news and I swear that since having Eli shite has become a very acceptable topic of conversation in our home. To the extent that if either of us changes a shitty nappy without the other present we genuinely discuss the texture and content after; and I tell you what, we’re actually interested.
The big news of the day though is: I GOT OUT…. annnnnnnnnnndddddd………not to B & fucking Q! I went to the small independent garden centre instead (the one in Hill End) – fuck me, I am living the life of an actual socialite these days. I tell you what though, the quality of the plants are bellissimo. I imagine its the organic versus factory farmed scenario you see on all those food shows. B & Q are breeding sad caged up pansies and this crowd allow the pansies to run around and dance in sprinklers; they genuinely look happier. I won’t be planting the bastard things out mind because it’s about minus 11 here with a sharp wind. At least that’s what it feels like to me and I am resolutely not getting involved with the outside again until it sorts its shit out and brings back some good weather. So the plants are out there, giving me sad eyes because really, they want to be planted and cosy… tough titties fuckers, you’ll need to wait a bit longer.
I’ve also managed to shower today which is a relief because despite my good intentions yesterday I wasn’t able to manage to get sorted and I went to bed a dirty smelly bastard. I was alright with that to begin with because I thought “Ah well, I’ve only got to tolerate myself for half an hour more and then I’ll have passed out till morning”. At which point the big man upstairs clearly thought “Aye right doll, how about we ponder whether zebras are white horses with black stripes, or black horses with white stripes instead? And actually while we’re at it how would you spend a million quid if you had it?” and so began the hokey kokey of my brain for the rest of the night. I was dozing in and out I think but I saw every hour of the clock; literally every hour but I was wide awake from 4 onwards with needy fucking Bear patting my face and chirruping in my ear. He doesn’t look that arsed does he? Well I’ll fucking show him, I’ve made him into another Meme so that the internets can all laugh at him. Fuck you, ya furry bell end.
So, yep I’m knackered and obviously I’m sore so the garden centre is as far as I’ll make it today I think, but it’s progress on yesterday when I only got as far as the garden. I’m freezing today n all, not just when I’m outside but when I’m indoors too my bones get so cold deep inside, I can’t quite describe it properly….but anyway I have a new saviour. No, not Jesus Christ, or Ronald McDonald…. no… I have a new blanket.
LOOK AT IT! A fleecy wooly bastard that’s what it is, a fleecy wooly bastard that along with the heating set to 23 degrees is making me feel a bit warmer – get in! You have no idea how important blankets are to me these days. I used to scoff at the idea of wearing multiple layers, or even pulling my top down so there wasn’t a draught on my back, far less draping a bastarding blanket on me as well but I genuinely think I have morphed into a pensioner. I shuffle when I walk, I enjoy flat shoes, a nice sit down, big pants and non restrictive bra’s…… and I enjoy a blanket; and you know what? I don’t care, fuck it.
- Friday innit – this shitty week is done
- The garden furniture is arriving tomorrow… I hope the sunshine arrives shortly after
- It’s motherfucking Burger Friday Yeeehaaaaawwwwww
- I got out OUT and not to B & Q
- Horrible horrible news about Scott Hutchison, my heart goes out to his family, friends and anyone affected by the news
- A rough night for me has meant a tough day physically
- What’s on the menu Mellars?
- A yoghurt AND an apple this morning… I KNOW! I must have been ravenous. Yes I’m being sarcastic.
- Lunch was the last of the home made soup in a mug
- Dinner… oh come onnnnnnnnn, it’s Friday… you know what happens on a Friday. BURGER… look at it… thing of beauty.
Are you new round here?
If you’ve just stumbled across TryingToDoItAll and have no bastarding idea what’s going on you should probably go back and read a few blogs from the beginning. Don’t panic, I won’t ask you to read them all, but these few posts will help explain. Oh stop sighing, it’ll only take you a few minutes. Fucks sake.
- Well you’re here, so you may as well get comfy
- Can’t stop M.E. now…. ahmm having such a good time, ahmm tickling your balllssss!
- When are the grown ups coming?
- Major surgery…again?
- You’ve got to be kidding M.E.?
#mecfs #meawarenessuk #mewarrior #silentillness #swearymum