Wednesday the 10th of May 2018
Right then day four of M.E. Awareness week – boom we’re over half way through! If you’re a normalton who has no need to be reading anything to do with M.E Awareness I salute you (very slowly and with less vigour than I should for obvious reasons) for coming back and reading more about my day to day whining. If you have M.E. and you’re reading this knowing only too well what having fucking M.E. feels like then I salute you too – I must sound like your Mum who’s repeating a story back to you that you told her. Just smile and nod, I’ll throw in some swears and ranting to liven it up.
So, last nights blog post was really well received… and I’m hugely relieved. When I write I’m really conscious that my demographic is all over the shop, able bodied, less abled, with penis, without penis, young un, old un, inbetween un, Scottish, English, America, Australian… you name it and they’re reading this. Maybe not the ones into dressing up as babies and sucking boobs, but you never know – if you’re one of them you’re welcome n all. So I know that I could either be representing or misrepresenting huge swathes of people – including the M.E. community. It’s no secret that my symptoms are mild to moderate and that there are people in a far worse place than I am so when I was posting a pic of a flaccid knob saying that’s how M.E. felt I was a wee bit fearful the rest of the M.E. community would think I was taking the piss. The truth of the matter is, everyone deals with illness differently; I’ve not lost my sense humour, but that’s maybe because I have the luxury of being able to bathe myself or feed myself at the moment – other’s with M.E. can’t and I’d have hated for them to think I was being flippant about the whole shitty state of affairs. I was also worried that Action for ME really wouldn’t want to be associated to a sweary father fucker like me, especially not with a picture of a flaccid cock but do you know what? They retweeted me! Not only did the organisation retweet me but the Chief Executive did n all. Oh I felt cock of the walk, quite literally. FAME! I FELT FAMOUS. It only lasted momentarily mind because when I clicked on her Twitter profile I discovered that she retweeted everyone’s mug shot and I wasn’t one of the chosen ones because I was childish enough to draw a cock and balls and link it back to my illness. I‘m partial to a cock and balls drawing, as you know from my previous post but I have to admit, the inner 8 year old in me did get a wee bit of a kick seeing my flaccid knob pic go all round the internet. If you’re reading this because you saw the saggy cock; hello. If you have no idea what I’m on about here it is again… because I’m childish. You can also read last night’s blog again by clicking here.
I have mixed it up a bit though by adding my Daily Mail Sad Face shot instead of the one I posted yesterday; everyone loves a bit of variety innit? Yesterday I brought you Cornflakes, today it’s Coco Pops. Oh fuck me how I miss Coco Pops, I swear when I’ve finished losing weight I’m going to gorge myself fat again. And no I haven’t posed again – this was from yesterday too, I’m never entirely sure what to do with my actual face in pictures. I look possessed when I smile and have resting bitch face when I don’t – it really is very difficult being me you know.
There’s loads going on other than my knob pic you know, Millions Missing Scotland are staging an event this weekend in Edinburgh too. I can’t make the journey to get there or I’d be there in a flash to take part in the mass lie down but if you’re passing The Mound you’ll see loads of pairs of shoes with messages attached representing the missing faces from society due to M.E. – take a couple of minutes to appreciate the number you see if you’re local.
Nicola Hutton-Laing Hairdressing, a local supporter of this blog, of ME Awareness and of silent illnesses as a whole also sent me these pics today of the particularly gorgeous Chloe who has gone blue for ME Awareness. I’m not sure if her sole aim was to represent ME Awareness to be honest, I would imagine she wanted to look pretty epic too – job done innit my darlin, it really suits you. The first pic shows Nicola’s funky blue eyeshadow and the beginning of the colour and the second two are obviously after shots. Chloe, if I was you I’d be swishing those locks in people’s chops; get yourself out to Partners and get showing it off. Nicola, as always you’ve done a cracking job.
You’ll see #GoBlueforME doing the rounds on Facebook and Twitter with a dashing wee blue ribbon on people’s profile pics – the more observant among you might have clocked I changed mine earlier. If you want to change yours you can by CLICKING HERE
You’ll be chuffed to hear that a lot of the anger I had yesterday has subsided. I’m kind of resigned to being held hostage to this version of life a wee bit longer. It’s not what I want, it’s not what my family needs but it’s what is happening and we have no control – so what’s the use in using what little energy I do have to expel negativity into an already shite situation? It’s understandable but pointless. Yesterday I was mentally wired all day, wound up and upset over everything that has, and is continuing to go on and I’m paying for it today. I managed to get up to see Eli before he went to nursery but was back in bed straight after he left and had to sleep 2 hours after. I’m weak, those fucking goosebumps are back, my neck is breaking out again and I’m so so sore – that’s what mental exertion can do. Crackers aint it? So today… well it’s a slower pace mentally. I’ve slept, I’ve rested a lot and although I haven’t managed a shower yet I will get one before the days out. I’m determined not to let my own temper not steal anything from me today.
It’s all still there mind, but I can hand on heart say that the amount of support I got from all of you last night really really helped me see that people outside of the immediate M.E. footprint care – that was huge for me. You supported me because you chose to and I’m genuinely grateful. I’m relieved that people don’t want this in society any more than M.E. patients do and I want to thank everyone who took the time to show me their support, in whatever way they could, last night and today. You are all responsible for me feeling more at peace today than I did yesterday. I owe you all a massive, uncomfortably long cuddle.
So in the wake of banishing the negative I’ve done a few positive things today. I planted up some of the small planters for the garden and positioned them hanging on the shitty fence. Their purpose, as well as looking pretty, is to stop Bonnie jumping on the garage roof and terrorising the nesting birds. I don’t think she’s got it in her to kill them (she’s 5 and never killed) but I don’t want to risk it and it’s the only escape route in and out of the garden so it needed something doing. It took me 20 minutes and I’ve been recovering for 2 hours so far but I tell you what, I the garden is beginning to look more tolerable. There’s colour all over the place now. The new furniture arrives at the weekend so when it’s all built up I’ll take a few pics and you can all fall over yourself to compliment it… or I’ll send Davie and Agnes round.
Big news on the Davie and Agnes front actually – they’ve laid two eggs! We are officially expecting the very loud stamping of webbed feet. Now whilst I’m chuffed for them, I’m also a bit wary because now they’ve got young on the way they’ll turn even more mental and it probably means I’m going to get dive bombed coming in and out of the house for the foreseeable future… if only I was a social recluse. Oh, hold on – silver lining! So far they’ve not been too bad. They do like to sing about their impending parenthood from 3am every morning but it was farrrrrr worse last year when they took to battering on the bathroom window with their beaks to try and scare the cats off from looking out the window. The cats that were contained in a brick building. The cat’s that can’t open windows nor work keys. Stupid fucking birds. It’ll soon be time for their babies to be playing chicken with the traffic on the road – it’s something most of the neighbours hate because these baby birds are AGGRO and have nerves of steel. They will charge AT your car or just stop in the road and stare at you. Beeping the horn does nowt and everyone ends up doing ridiculous manoeuvres to pass them without running them over. The hall sky light, which is obviously in the roof, where they’re nesting is getting replaced in the next fortnight… rather them than me going up there will all that carry on going on. I hope they have helmets.
Fingers crossed they’re not old enough to cause havoc when the Black Rock 5 Race is going on this year though!
The Black Rock 5 Race is mental. Normally Kinghorn is a sleepy wee place but once a year 1000 plus (yes, a THOUSAND) runners descend to run from one of the local pubs down to the beach at low tide, round a massive rock, and back again. That makes it sound easy, but honestly… hills, wet sand and water make it fucking brutal. I never ever intend to find out; even before I got ill I would never have entertained going for a run; I got enough of an adrenaline rush walking to the shop for a Magnum (an almond one obvs). I firmly believe you should only run when scary things are behind you, or when the buffet is open. That’s it. I enjoy watching them though, while I’m eating my Magnum and cheering them on. We’re in prime position to watch it all because we’re on the brow of the hill on the way down to the beach, so they all go belting past in their fluorescent gear and sweatbands – it’s mental to watch … I’ll take you some pics when it’s on.
Today was also the day of my sickness absence update with work. Now that I’ve stepped over into “long term sick”, i.e. 4 weeks or more I get to speak to one of two specialist advisors and I’ve got to say, they seem lovely. They’re pretty much there to get as much support as they can to those who could benefit from it, in the hope that it gets people back to work quicker. I did feel sorry for them today though, when I’d reported my absence initially the person on the other end of the phone clearly had no fucking idea what M.E. was so she put me down as having the flu. The fucking flu. If that’s not a smack in the chops I don’t know what is. Anyway, our Sheila today told me she’d update it but what could she possible offer someone with M.E.? Poor woman was on a hiding to nothing before she had even begun but we had a chat, discussed the possibility of CBT then dismissed it because it’s only benefit for me really would be to deal with the emotional fall out of M.E. and to be honest, bar the odd outburst I’m coping with it alright mentally. I told her about what I’m doing on here, about being in cahoots with flaccid knobs and raising awareness in anyway I can and I hope she could tell I was motivated to get back to work… but I always come off the phone feeling guilty really. I don’t have an “I’m poorly voice” so I probably sounded alright to her and if I met her in the street she’d probably not know I wasn’t well. That’s the brick wall we all face; you can’t see M.E. and you can’t touch it so it’s hard for people to understand why it stops you living like everyone else…. but it doesn’t make it any less real. The fact it’s met with suspicion is almost like an additional kick in the flaps; you can tell people that the earth is 93 million miles from the sun, or that Mary was a virgin and they believe you without being able to see for themselves…. but tell them people can LOOK fine but not BE fine and you get a raised eyebrow and a snort of derision. Man kind is fucked up.
So anyway, it’s been a dull day. The joiner coming round to discuss getting ceiling vag repaired and the hall window started but other than that the rest of the day has leaned heavily towards sitting down. I’m hoping tomorrow I’m well enough to get out for a bit, we need MORE plants but I might mix it up and go to Dobbies, fuck it, I’m feral.
- The support from you lot last night was overwhelming. I fell asleep before I could read it all but it touched me right in the emotion box, thank you
- I’m far less aggro today
- I’ve managed to get a few plants potted
- Looks like both ceiling vag and the window will be fixed within the next fortnight
- I’ve still not had a shit you know. Christiaan is getting anxious on my behalf but I’m alright with it taking it’s time – it means I don’t have paranoia about skid marks
- I’m not good today physically and I know that’s my own doing from yesterday – I let it all get to me because it had interrupted Christiaan’s life more than I felt was fair
- Christiaan still isn’t right; he’s sore and pale and quiet
- What’s on the menu Mellars?
- A yoghurt for breakfast – shocker
- A big mug of soup for lunch
- And a lazy tea of left over casserole sauce from yesterday through some pasta… I’m not capable of much more today and it’ll be tasty so it’s not a hardship
Are you new round here?
If you’ve just stumbled across TryingToDoItAll and have no bastarding idea what’s going on you should probably go back and read a few blogs from the beginning. Don’t panic, I won’t ask you to read them all, but these few posts will help explain. Oh stop sighing, it’ll only take you a few minutes. Fucks sake.
- Well you’re here, so you may as well get comfy
- Can’t stop M.E. now…. ahmm having such a good time, ahmm tickling your balllssss!
- When are the grown ups coming?
- Major surgery…again?
- You’ve got to be kidding M.E.?
#mecfs #meawarenessuk #mewarrior #silentillness #swearymum