So… burger Friday… that’s where we left off. The burger was obviously epic, it always is but fuck me I need a new pan. I’ve been weighing up buying a new griddle thingy for ages but I can’t work out why they’re so expensive and it riles me, so I keep putting it off and then getting into a fury with myself for being a tight arse about stuff that doesn’t matter. The raised bits are now like rows of flaccid knobs and the Teflon coating has gone – I’ve probably eaten it. I need to buy a new one, I know I do and I will but I miss the days of picking up a cheap and cheerful pan from Asda to cook my Super Noodles in and being happy with it.
My mum and I actually got into a right odd conversation about Asda’s pans, it was like one of those slapstick sketches you see on telly. See I’m a lazy shopper, I hate going into shops (even when I wasn’t ill) and pissing around trying stuff on. The shops themselves are always full of inconsiderate twats, and I’m just not that interested in rummaging. I want to type in some words on a screen and for the search function to go off and find me what I’ve asked for. Anyone who knows me knows that inviting me out for a days shopping as a fucking treat results in a disdainful look and a swear. I hate it. So I shop online or if I’m in the supermarket and need summit like a top or some socks I’ll just pick them up. I rarely look at what I have in my hand, if I need X and this looks like X in my size then I buy it. End of. On this day I needed pants, huge big comfy sexless pants – in black, to hide any potential skidders. I saw some in Asda, I picked them up and I bought them; job done. Mum had phoned me later on in the day to see how we were, what we’d been up to etc. She’s a bugger for trying to multi-task when she’s talking to you and I could tell she wasn’t listening, primarily because the conversation went like this:
- Mum – What have you been up to?
- Me – Fuck all really, I went to Asda, got some bits for dinner and picked up some pants because my others had died
- Mum – Oh I like Asda’s ones
- Me – Aye they’re not bad, cheap and cheerful so they’ll not last me ages but they’ll do
- Mum – Oh really? I find the non stick lasts ages
- Me – Eh? Non stick? Mum I wipe when I’m finished I don’t need non stick – I’m not a dirty!
- Mum – You wipe your pans?
- Me – My pans? What the fuck? No, my PANTS! I WAS TALKING ABOUT BUYING PANTS MOTHER!
It’s a conversation neither of us have forgotten and is often referenced; who knew non stick pans could cause such excitement?
So anyway, I’ll buy a griddle and stop being tight. Fuck it.
In other news we had a HORRIFIC night with Eli. It involved trapped farts (his not mine) which had him screaming in pain, many many cuddles and spew… lots of spew. I reckon I got 2.5 hours sleep all night which is rubbish to be fair. The crackers thing is with M.E. is that having actual sleep makes very little difference when you’re knackered (either normal knackered or Eli spewing knackered). I don’t wake up feeling refreshed or better for it – I wake up exactly the same as when I went to bed, sometimes worse so I’m a bit of a stubborn fuck about it all. I generally only sleep when my body or brain, or both starts shutting down; so when I can’t talk, or lose the ability to move… then the party is over. Today was a bit different though, 2.5 hours sleep is not enough for anyone so after I got the wee man back in bed around 7 this morning, I had few hours sleep myself. Unsurprisingly, I feel no different than I did yesterday….. I guess its proof (to me) that actual sleep is not the answer. Rest helps because it conserves energy but sleep? Well I reckon that’s the bit that’s broken to be honest – my body should be generating energy during sleep but I think the bit that’s supposed to do that has gone out on a bender. I tell you what though, I had no room to moan when I looked at this sad wee face 😭 (ignore the fact I look like a Fraggle Catcher… or stare. Fuck you.)
I did actually get dressed today despite what it looks like in those pics. I had just managed the exhausting task of having a shower and getting changed so I sat down with Eli for a cuddle. The little arsehole spewed all over me. Like ALL over me. My legs, my arms and the couch….
Now under normal circumstances that would be a shite state of affairs, in my circumstances it’s apocalyptic. I could have actually cried. Not because he blew chunks on me, he’s an arsehole but he couldn’t help it, I was upset I’d have to go and get washed and dressed AGAIN. See; you start really planning energy use when you’ve got none, so after a bit of forward thought I changed into my jammas instead of putting more clothes on… meaning I don’t have to get changed again later (unless he spews on me again) – I’m a clever bastard.
Unsurprisingly it’s been a day in the house with Eli being ill and me being… well me. That means I haven’t been out the house since Thursday. Fucking hell is it dull staying in the whole time; you start looking through your phone in desperation for an App to entertain you. That’s when this happened.
This is me discovering Facebook messenger face filter things for the first time – I hadn’t realised I had managed to screen shot it until a bit later. As you can see, my poker face needs a bit of work. You can almost taste the confusion when you look at this pic…. I had no fucking idea what was going on.
I’m intrigued with people who use these filter pics in real life situations. I swear I would walk past half of my Facebook friends on the street; I’d not recognise them without fucking teddy ears, a button nose, and MASSIVE eyes. It’s all a bit odd – I get the flawless skin thing if you’re a spotty bastard but other than that you’ve no excuse. I’m not saying that filters don’t have their place by the way, they’re a bit of fun, but fuck me… surely it gets a bit dull when you look like a cartoon shagged your mum in every pic? Not me though, I never buy into filters.
Give me a break….fucks sake, I’ve had a lot of time indoors… none of these are my profile picture (yet) so don’t judge me. Plus, look at tiny tiny poorly Gandalf! He rocks a wizard beardioso and I loved taking the piss out of him while ill. I’ve really tried hard though, to be sexy with the pout and mock surprised “who me?” face that’s trendy at the minute. I just need to get some black permanent marker to draw my eyebrows thick as fuck and I’ll be on fleek bitches. I sometimes wonder if the likes of Marilyn Monroe are looking down on the world and wondering what the fuck has gone wrong…. “beauty” appears have transcended into chaos and looks like its dictated by someone who’s on the worst LSD trip of their lives. Says me, with the dark circles, obscene bellies and spewy hair *sigh* .
Davie and Agnes are still being fucking unreasonable. There’s a crab carcass in the back garden that I think they’ve chucked at the cats in an attempt to show hierarchy. The very notion is wasted on these furry fucking idiots; they care about Dreamies, cuddles and running away from their own shite at speed. Anyway, fuck it, I’m buying a nerf gun. I won’t kill them, or even hit them but I want them to have their minds blown and you should never ever let bullies win kids – I’ve plenty time on my hands and they’re always pissing around in front of the kitchen window. It’s fair game.
I tell you what, I might be on house arrest but there’s been plenty keeping me busy; you crowd and this blog. I am unbelievably chuffed that our wee community is growing, I have no idea why I feel so proud; essentially I’m swearing at things on a screen while slipping M.E. related facts into your subconscious but I AM proud. The Facebook group is now up to 455 members; if you’re reading this directly from Word Press check us out by clicking here and remember to either like the page before you leave so you can keep us in your newsfeed. Aside from the Facebook page, we’re getting some pretty impressive numbers reading the blog: 1139 fucking views yesterday alone. READING ABOUT ME! HAH! I had to go back through last nights blog and make sure I didn’t include a tit pic and you lot weren’t logging on to mock me. You’re all off your head but I appreciate your support more than you’ll know; I’m v grateful.
So today’s synopsis:
- Ceiling vag has been dismantled a bit at her saggiest points and it turns out its NOT toilet water. We can see a leaking hot water pipe – hoooorayyy for no shitey water in the kitchen
- The new hoover is here – I have no energy to use it today though!
- Wee man is still poorly and has created a fuck tonne of washing
- I’m shite, incredibly EVERYTHING that I’ve mentioned before (tired,sore blah blah)
- I haven’t been outside with “the other people” in a while
- I’ve started relying on filters for entertainment purposes
- Whats on the menu Mellars?
- Breakfast – nowt
- Lunch – a BFree pitta with a quorn peppered steak and a fried egg on…. I know… sounds vile. It was alright though
- Dinner – I made a fucking fantastic meatball & pepper stew with the left over pork mince from last night. I’ve popped the “recipe” below in case you’re interested.
As always, it looks shite but tastes great.
We only ever use about two thirds of a 500g pack of 5% pork mince so we’re always left with enough to do SOMETHING but not for another round of burgers – its a fucking ball ache. Normally I’d just do a tomato and basil sauce with meatballs but I couldn’t face it tonight so….
- First you’ll need to either make the basic burger mix (you can find it by clicking here, it’s further down on the blog) or use any left over pork mince you have to roll the mince into tiny testicles. You can have them as big or as small as you like (shnarf) but once rolled leave them to one side.
- I’m coming to terms with using my Ninja food dicer thing so I whacked two red and a yellow pepper in there along side an onion and blitzed until it was chopped fine but hadn’t turned to soup. If I didn’t have a ninja I’d chop the veg v finely and not fucking moan about it so do that – the smaller the better or it’ll take an age to cook
- Fry the veg off (either in frylight or syn for oil) until its soft
- Add 3 tablespoons of smoked paprika, a tablespoon of chilli powder, a tablespoon of oregano, half a tea spoon of garlic powder, salt and pepper to season, half a teaspoon of sugar and 5 finely chopped peppadew peppers.
- If you’re feeding kids with this leave out the chilli powder and cut the peppadew quantity to about 2
- Sweat it all down together for a couple of mins then add a tin of chopped tomatoes, and a can of beans. Yes fucking beans. Heinz, Asda ones, whatever. Chuck them in.
- Add a pan lid and simmer for about 5 mins
- Chuck in your wee balls of delight and leave to simmer with the lid off until the veg is soft and your beans have stuck a bit to the pan (where’s those non stick bastards now eh?) and released their starch – they’ll thicken your stew up a treat.
- Serve with some filthy wedges, chips or a baked tottie
- If you have your A Choice left or your not following Slimming World at all then a sprinkling of cheese on this would probably be epic…
Right, I’m fucked…. What a day.
See you on the other side