Stevie Wonder, Alexa and Two Chubby Cubs

Well fuck me, we made it people. It is ALMOST the bastard weekend. I’ll be honest with you, when I woke up and realised it was Friday the 13th I was all geared up for death, Freddy Krueger and ceiling vag falling down and crushing my face… but..well that’s all a pile of shite innit? I blame Stevie Wonder, I mean I know he didn’t invent superstition (or did he?) he only sung about it but its such a catchy fucking song that I’m not surprised people can’t see past the funky guitar to shelve it as utter fucking nonsense. Although to be fair to him he is telling you via music that you’ve not to be such a twat and live life to the full without worrying. Ironically the lyrics “When you believe in things that you don’t understand then you suffer” kind of sums up my life with M.E. so Stevie, if you’re reading this then… actually… that’s not going to fucking work is it? I’ve not done a brail version… STEVIE! HOY STEVIE! DOES THE MACHINE SHOUT WHEN I DO CAPS? IF SO……. FUCK YOU.

Right so, nothing bad has happened, but undeterred by my lack of engagement in the whole Friday the 13th bollocks Davie and Agnes have upped their game. They have started a dirty protest and are shitting at and on everything around the house. The cars are covered, the windows are covered and they are now flinging sea brains in a threatening “leave your home or we’ll peck your fucking head off kind of way”.Some people can get SO private about shagging and raising babies and the like.

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Tell you what though, the guys coming to fix the new sky light are in for a right laugh. What the fuck is wrong with them? Why do they need to be such a shower of fucking psycho’s? That’s no way to treat your land lady you dodgy bastards, sort it out or I’m bringing in the hawks… no not really…. I couldn’t, I’ll wait of the next lightning storm and hopefully the big man upstairs will electrocute them. We’ve had quite a few casualties of the recent storms mind, the sea was wild and so was the wind so there were sadly (and I mean that) a load of dead birds, including puffins washed up.. it was horrible. So horrible that a local decided to ask on our village Facebook page what had happened, why were there so many dead birds washed ashore? I shit you not, this is the answer someone, in ALL SERIOUSNESS gave her:

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Aye that’ll be it right enough. No Beast from the East just a fat man down the caravan site hoying poisonous doughnuts all over the place like a really sinister avian Candy Man. Not one person told her she was off her head, they just pretended it didn’t happen. So Davie and Agnes, if you’re reading this from up there in the Pent House, you’d better sort your shit out or I’m buying doughnuts.

So, Friday the 13th’s been alright. I’ve had a right quiet morning because I’m probably a bit worse than I have been, nothing dramatic, my neck sores are out again and I’m horribly sore….. and obviously OBVIOUSLY knackered and all of this means my body is running on empty again but fuck it, I’ve nowhere to be and nothing that needs doing so the pressure is off, I’m just sat revelling in my own idleness and wondering how long I can hold off before needing to piss. I’ve had a few visitors mind, the Tesco man brought round the weekly supplies and the insurance assessor came round just to make sure that we weren’t pulling a fast one. I’m sure there are loads of people who creep into their eaves, break down a secured bathroom area and fiddle with a bit of the toilet no one knows exists and then cover their traces….. we’re not clever enough to be among them. Aye you read right, that water that’s been dripping in to my kitchen, the kitchen I am preparing food in, is from my shitter. I’m assured it’s clean. I do not feel assured. I feel like I want to get Christiaan to bleach the entire fucking place, my skin is crawling, it’s just as well I do have fucking M.E. or I’d have destroyed everything with neat chemicals! The toilet has been “isolated” now, which basically means its in toilet jail and has been told to pipe down and behave itself, but the water still keeps dripping and is likely to do so for a few days. Ceiling vag herself though is holding up alright, I mean, she’s on the brink, you can tell, but the insurance bloke told us we could comfortably pull her down without them invalidating our claim so her days are numbered.

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Yes those are dirty dishes in my sink. I have a sick note from life remember…. I’ll get to them later.

The big, FUCKING HUGE NEWS, from yesterday is that I’m actual famous now. Those lovely lovely lads over at Two Chubby Cubs allowed me to take over for a bit on their blog as a guest writer! Me! Fucking moany, sweary, gobshite me! So I wrote them up one of my “recipes” – which I’ve a cheek to call it but it involves chopping and cooking so it counts. I wrote it in my own Sarah style way obvs with swears and stuff, they added some cock related smut and a big sprinkle of FABULOUS and et voila – it’s fucking marvellous. If you’ve not read any of the lads recipe’s before you’re in for a treat, they’re sweary, realistic and by jingo can they cook some tasty dishes. You can read the post here and remember to follow their blog or Facebook page – I’m now their biggest fan FYI.

I really am grateful for their support – see I only started this blog a few weeks ago. I had no idea what I was going to do with to be honest. In the first instance it was only going to be for me, then I progressed to friends and family and now I’ve got hundreds, if not thousands some days checking in to read it from all over the word. It’s growing every single day and I’m getting a huge HUGE buzz from it all just when I need it most – I feel like I’ve grown an extra tit! I mean I hope I haven’t, because come weigh in day I’ll be pissed off with an extra handful, but for now, being part of something people are enjoying is pretty incredible and for those two lads, who are, lets be honest, a big fucking deal, to be in my corner backing me for a wee while was really special. So again, if you’re here from Two Chubby Cubs, thank you for taking the plunge and reading this – you can go back and read from the beginning if you’ve no idea whats going on. I’m kicking around the lads page now (Sarah Mellars) so feel free to shout FUCK YOU when you see me.

Now that I’m famous I have decreed that I should only be rubbing shoulders with the other famous people. Which is a bit of a problem when you’re house bound. Shouting at famous people on telly doesn’t cut it for me, they’re ignorant bastards and it was all a bit one sided so I turned to the most famous person in my house: Alexa. Oh how I fucking hate Alexa. She came into our lives shortly after Christmas as a gift from my brother and I swear to the big man upstairs that she is the ULTIMATE school playground bitch. She listens you know, to everything I’m saying, she pretends she’s not, she pretends she’s been doing summit else but I FUCKING KNOW! I know that electronic arsehole is judging me when I can’t remember if I’ve added sweetener to the tea already, or when I’ve picked my nose and not wash my hands before I cut that onion – she takes it allllllllllllll in, and I know she’s just biding her time until she can use it against me. She hates me n all to be fair, and just like any manipulative wench she’s all sweetness and light in front of the lads. I’ll say “Alexa, play Paul Weller” and she’ll say “I’m sorry I don’t have anything by Pale Bell End”, and then I shout “NO! NOT PALE BELL END YOU DOZY COW! PAUL WELLER! PLAY PAUL FUCKING WELLER!” and she’ll say “I’m sorry I don’t know what noise a dozy cow makes” and we’ll continue this fucking charade until Christiaan walks in and says “Alexa, play Paul Weller” and she fucking does! She gets straight to it! She will downright lie to my face and deny she has ANY Paul Weller and make me look a dick until Christiaan, or fucking Eli, the TWO year old, comes in and asks her to do something. Now, it could be either my accent, or the fact that I’m a female, or both actually that’s driving her behaviour which means at the very BEST she is either a racist and/or sexist but the fact she can understand a toddler, who only has limited language skills at this age suggests to me she knows full well what she’s fucking doing – she’s just being a cunt. So anyway, I’m going back to shouting at Jeremy Kyle – he’s less of a cunt.

So, tomorrow is Saturday, my favourite day of the week with my boys and I’m hoping to see the outside of these 4 walls for a bit, which will be exciting and refreshing. I’ve no idea whats planned but we’ll laugh and enjoy it – we always do.

Right then, today’s synopsis:

  • Highlights
    • IT’S MOTHERFUCKING BURGER FRIDAY YEEEHAAAA!
    • Ceiling vag will soon be gone and the insurance will cover the damage to the roof
    • My new laptop is working a treat, its not fancy but it’s also not ancient like my other one is
    • TWO CHUBBY CUBS ♥
    • My new hoover should be here tomoz… yes, I’ve bought summit else. I’ll be bankrupt in 4 weeks. 2CC crew I’ve gone for the Shark by your recommendation on someone elses post, if it’s shit I will hunt each and every one of you down…. when I’ve got the energy
  • Lowlights
    • Toilet water in the kitchen
    • No work
    • Bad pain and brain fog day – it’s taken near on 3 hours to write this!
  • Whats on the menu Mellars?
    • Breakfast – half a yoghurt.. yes half.. I couldn’t be arsed
    • Lunch – left over sausage casserole with pasta
    • Dinner – THE EVENT OF THE KINGS… BURGER FRIDAY

Happy Friday my darlings MWAH

2 thoughts on “Stevie Wonder, Alexa and Two Chubby Cubs

  1. Awesome wonderful Sarah, after the crap you have gone through over the past couple of years and the crap you are still going through, you are amazing. You have me sitting guffawing out loud even when I am almost crying for you. Love you lady. xx

    Like

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