I dunno if it was one of you crowd, if it was raise your hand actually and I’ll add a little something extra into your shipping bag…. like… some raisins or summit, I dunno, I’ll have a think, there’s so much shit in the house I’ll find something. Actually, if it wasn’t one of you lot then that means that someone read my description (which I’ve since discovered is full of typo’s and grammar fuck ups THANKS BRAIN) and thought: “Yes, yes this is the one for me. I want the thing that makes me look shapeless and creases when you blink in its general direction. I need suffering in the form of constant ironing in my life. I have won at martyrdom.” I’ve basically said its shit please buy it and they’ve said “acht it’s alright that, I bet you’re wearing wrong”… well… fuck you.
I tell you what though, it didn’t half put a smile on my face last night. After an utterly challenging few days making a fiver for M.E. research made me feel like I was riding a fucking unicorn. I went to bed and slept like a narcoleptic at a party; out cold and in a happy place.
The wee man slept too, well after much discussion about the petting zoo until half 8, an hour and a half after his normal bed time. He took AGES to go off but when he did he seemed much more settled and his temp had all but pissed off. As far as sleeping time goes, it was decent and we all woke up just after 6 to this:
I’m not one for mother earth shite but there is something very very special about watching the sun come up over the water. Not so much with Davie and Agnes screaming blue fucking murder but tranquility is over rated anyway. Let them carry on the screechy feathery bastards.
Eli seemed so much better when he woke this morning, he ate breakfast and twatted about singing and dancing so we decided he’d go in to nursery – how that’s going I have no idea but it’s 11.25am and they’ve not phoned me to come and get him so I can only presume he hasn’t summoned up his inner beast and is having fun with his wee pals. I was so so relieved he could go in, today see’s me much the same as yesterday so I won’t go through the same old horseshit again but I did decide I needed to go back and speak to the doc today.
I’ve got to say that we are incredibly lucky here with our docs, I can get in normally the same day and I generally see the same doc – she’s patient, she listens and she actually cares about my situation which is a rarity these days. She also knows me quite well by now, and knows I’m stubborn and driven and determined to manage everything that’s going on the best way I can. I’ve mentioned before that one of my biggest concerns with “taking it easy” is deconditioning, and that in short means that when I give up on something it is 10 times harder, and sometimes impossible to get it going again. For me, this is true of both mental and physical activity – I stopped reading books and playing online Scrabble when I first became ill because my brain couldn’t process the information properly and I was getting frustrated…. now I find it hard to do either and rarely pick up a book, or play Scrabble. Now I know both of those activities make me sound like an absolute nerd; I am! So fuck you, but also, I used to play against the machine a lot, so not an actual person, and I think it was programmed to think the same way as me. I played the word “cunt”, it played “lice” – we’re soul mates and yes that’s a pic of me as a flower girl in the top left, I have ringlets…. suck it up.
So anyway, the docs… we have a plan. She wants me to take 4 weeks off, we’re going to the next level of painkillers and I need to “rest”. There’s also more blood tests planned for next week just in case the bone pain is related to something else and we’re all sat here merrily presuming it’s the M.E. playing up. I’m convinced it’s related to the M.E. – I’m not worried.
She was also hugely reassuring; I’m a complex character really, I hate the thought of letting people down so that was my first concern – what about work? Well the reality is, although work would like me there they can function without me – I am neither Jesus nor Barry Obama. I do “stuff” but the world does not stop spinning without me. So once we’d established I’m not the resurrection or the light we moved on to “I’m giving in”, well yes, I am but her very words were “You don’t use your illness like a crutch” and she’s right. I could have chosen to given up 15 months ago, a lot of people do, and I can 100% understand why, its fucking tough but I’m only “giving in” for a bit, not “giving up” forever, and for me mentally, I needed to hear that.
We then did the hokey kokey with the drugs talk. I don’t want to be popping pills all day every day, it was bad enough doing it when my back was bad and fuck me, the withdrawls from them are BRUTAL but when you’re cognitively behind yourself anyway its a right kick in the flaps to add heavy duty drugs into the mix. I wanted something I can take when the pain gets too much – and I want the pain to stop. I reckon my pain threshold is quite high and I’m alright feeling uncomfortable but when it feels like my bones are trying to evacuate my body, it’s time to rely on medicine. That might mean taking painkillers 4 times a day or none at all because it’s down to my body and how much of a cunt its being. So, we have stronger pills, I can take them when I need to; they’d work better if I took them 4 times a day every day but I won’t and she knows I won’t so I’ll see how I go!
So that’s that. I am off work for 4 weeks, I have pills. I can’t say I’m not gutted but I am determined to spend the time positively and not watching Jeremy cunting Kyle and his shell suit brigade.
So far it’s not been too bad you know. I mean, I know it’s only day 1 without Eli being at my ankles (he doesn’t live there, he’s just always under my feet… fuck it you know what I mean) but I’ve sat down a lot, and watched the day turn from a beautiful sunny day to a dark grey misery… I think the Dementors are coming… probably on that boat.
I often think its a bit mental I can sit in my lounge and watch boats, albeit partially through some really naff houses. I mean look at the length of that! I’m not sure if its the jobby boat or if its hoarding oil but its HUGE… it fascinates me, especially when you see the cruise ships rocking by and I’m stood there in my pants and no bra. Oh the sights they pay to see. I know I should sort my cushions by the way but I have a sick note from life… so… fuck it.
In other exciting news, my Ninja arrived yesterday. Our Karen had been showing me her food chopper thing and I was struck with all of the envy; I’ve wanted one for ages so hot on her heels I ordered this one, its not the same though. This one has an attitude problem. Not the toddler, actually…. he does n all but the Ninja.
There’s clearly a knack to it that I’m not getting because my peppers and onions ended up like fucking soup yesterday. It was only for my risotto so it didn’t matter but this thing goes like the clappers. Think teenage boy losing his virginity and you’re there.
I’m excited to use it tonight again though, I’ll maybe put a bit of Norah Jones on and see if I can get it to relax. I’ll even warm my hands before I shove the veg in and then gently caress the the button until …. DUUDUDUUDUUDUDUDUDUDUDUUDUUDUDHDUHDUHDHDUHDUHUDDUDHU soup.
Right I’m out of here, tomorrow I will be RELAXING all day in between typing another pile of shite for you to read but for now…
- Eli is better than he was ♥
- THE TUNIC IS SOLD
- I have loads of telly time ahead
- My new laptop is here, Christiaan is sorting it
- Ceiling vag is still hanging in there, the plumber is due today
- Fucking M.E.
- No work banter for a few weeks
- Spring is a crock of shit
- No sleep today… because of proactive getting shit sorted stuff
- On the menu today
- Breakfast – boiled eggs and mushrooms on a slice of wholemeal toast
- Lunch – nowt
- Dinner – Heck sausage casserole and wedges… one of Christiaan’s favourites