So first things first. As someone who is metabolically challenged (fat) and doing fat club I CRAVE meals that remind me of the hedonistic days of eating out and drinking lager… like burger and chips. I have a very complex relationship with burgers; I’m not a big fan of meat (titter) so technically I should hate them but burgers… well they remind me of sunny days and being sat in a beer garden with a lager and lime so it’s the actual law that I enjoy them.
So it’s Friday night, and pre fat club I’d have probably settled for a sharing bag of crisps for dinner but now that I’m full blown evangelical about losing the flab I’ve kicked that into touch in favour of ACTUAL food. Now I’m right suspicious of anyone that tells me a diet meal tastes better than a filthy version of the same thing. Quark macaroni cheese for instance – it can go and fuck itself, it’s horrendous but, I feel confident recommending my fatbirdslim burger. I PROMISE you it’s better than the ones you buy ready made and it’s easy with very few ingredients. Remember, I have an energy deficiency, I’m all about the easy meals.
Now I’m no Delia, I haven’t the time or the energy to piss around with little pots of 1 teaspoon of this and a rats pube of that (who does the washing up from them recipes anyway?) I’m a kind of chuck it together and hope for the best kind of girl. More often than not it works though and this burger… believe me, it works. Even when I fall off the fat club bus I STILL cook it because, well sunny days and lager and lime vibes innit.
It’s Friday, which means it’s TIME for the filthy burger – no bun/roll/cob/breadcake/whatever the fuck you call it in your neck of the woods for me because I’m a saint (and it fills me up too quick) but here’s what you’ll need.
I’m going to get technical here, try and follow
- Chuck the mince in the bag (yes I know it has a date of March, it’s been in the freezer, I won’t die)
- Cover the mince with pork seasoning and smoked paprika (I’ve no idea why it works, it just does). If I was to measure it I would say I do 4 table spoons of smoked paprika and 2 of pork seasoning.
- Smoosh it with your fingers through the bag. I hate touching the stuff so this helps me not be a tit about it
- Chuck it in the fridge to use later, or use it straight away. I put mine in a burger press because I have one, but if I didn’t, I wouldn’t and it would make no fucking difference. So do what you want
- When you’re ready fry it, either in low cal spray stuff or in oil, whatever you want, for about 5 mins a size. I like to chuck a couple of cheddar slices (the light kind obvs, I’m not fucking mental) over the top after I’ve flipped them and let those bastards melt.
- Serve it with whatever you want, I like wedges or chips done in my actifry and salad but then I’m trying to shift bellies. You serve it with lard and deep fried badgers for all I care. This is how it turns out. Make it. Eat it. Enjoy it.
I have enough from that 500g pack for 3 big burgers, or for 2 burgers and 2 portions of meatballs the next day – it goes a long way.
The other big news of the day is that Davie and Agnes are back.
Davie and Agnes are the seagulls that come every year, shag on our roof and raise their young. They are noisy, unreasonable, aggressive selfish bastards. They scream non stop, run up and down the roof tiles and threaten us Mafia style by chucking dead crabs or cuttlefish shells at us. They are also utter piss takers because last year we spent a lot of money putting up deterrents on the roof and they keep plucking them off. Fuckers.
I’m not one for killing seagulls, I know a lot of people do and I don’t doubt their reasons but it’s not for me that. Unless they try and kill me. If they do that then its fair fucking game.
Here they are, with their pal… lets call him Alan. This is also me taking a picture of myself rather than them by mistake because I hadn’t meant to press the button and it was on selfie mode (I’m doing this a lot by mistake these days… new phone). It’s a velux window and I was stretching, I look all of the glamour I know with my wet hair and scrunched ball bag face. You’re welcome.
I guess the other news is the bit I don’t really want to admit to, but it’s kind of the reason you’re here; is me, or more specifically M.E. How am I today? I’m not going to say “plodding on” because, well there’s no point in being honest with you on every other day bar today is there? The whole point of this blog is that you get an honest view. So… I’m fucked really. I’m pissed off with myself and my pride has a massive dent in it because I’ve had to admit defeat with work for a bit. I HATE missing work, primarily because I enjoy what I do; it’s tough, rewarding and challenging, but absence, either short notice on annual leave when I’m trying to hide my symptoms, or longer term sickness has become a frequent reality over the last few years and it’s a constant worry. I’m incredibly lucky to work with such a supportive firm, and a boss who is willing to listen and understand but I’m my own worst enemy, I try and do too much and I’m not realistic about my capability now. Partly because I think “why the fuck should I”? I’ve not chosen this, I WANT to be the old me but for now…I’m too sore, too heavy and too tired to concentrate, I want to sleep and have someone else do the thinking and I need to try and switch my brain off for a bit. Most importantly though I need to squirrel away what energy I have to deal with this flare up/crash, because I’m sure that’s what’s happening – a flare.
Everyone is different with M.E. but I’ve found for me that it tends to go in a cycles; I get really bad and then I plateau a bit and it becomes easier to live with the symptoms (they never go away) and then something, possibly a fairy farting, happens and it all goes to shit again. The trick for me is to not let it go too far and to deploy ALL of my resources as soon as I realise it’s happening. So that’s what I’m doing now, I’ve explained whats going on to my gaffer again, which is the most shameful part really, and I’ve retreated back to my corner to lick my wounds. Christiaan is, as always, armed and prepared and generally an amazing and supportive human being so we just need to hunker down, ride the storm and assess the damage after. When it’s over we’ll see what level the symptoms are, where we can adjust life and try and get on with things. I’ve made my peace with feeling shite all the time but I NEED to be able to function, for all of us, I need that, so its onward and upwards and we’ll see what tomorrow brings.
For now though, I need to go and shout at Davie and Agnes so I can get some sleep… so, make the burger, go to sleep and if you’re reading this and haven’t yet shared the Facebook page I’d love you to help me out. By reading my experiences we’re raising awareness, and burger recipes and both of those are epic achievements on a Friday night.
Do it, please…. WILL SOMEONE PLEASE THING OF THE PORKY GOODNESS??!?!?!